Crappy Castles artwork

Crappy Castles

40 episodes - English - Latest episode: about 1 year ago - ★★★★★ - 18 ratings

Well met, weirdo! Crappy Castles is a podcast about the Forgotten Realms' finest adventure architecture firm and the two partners dead-set on destroying it—one poorly designed dungeon at a time.

If you're looking to have a crappy adventure created for your party, email [email protected] for a chance to have a pro-bono adventure built just for you.

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Episodes

39 – Love is a Battlefield

February 02, 2023 16:29 - 42 minutes - 48.8 MB

Love is in the air! The damp, stinky, moldy air. Adron and Travis open the ex-files to educate you, the listener, on how to attract, keep, and potentially slay a mate with LOVE LANGUAGES. Plus: kissin' in kobold, literal love bombing, and Frico the Cheese Angel. You're welcome, Stephanies. 🏰 RE: RE: Date Your Boss! Have you ever wanted to rise up the corporate ladder the fast way? Introducing Mandatory Speed Dating Mondays! Mr. Royals will be vetting all potential candidates, single, poly...

38 – The Sleepy Seas

January 05, 2023 16:34 - 45 minutes - 51.5 MB

Happy nautical new year, nerds! This one has Adron, Travis, and Ian sailing the seven sleepy seas to create an adventure that can help some old fogeys stay awake. (Fogies? Fogerties?) Plus: rabid sleepytime bears! Plant clones! Weak shanty attempts! Wow! 🏰 RE: RE: New Year, New You Clippings To all Royals and Royals employees: we see that you are trying to clip your plant clone to create additional clones, and ergo i.e. e.g an entire plant clone army of yourself. Well let it be known that...

37 – O Tannenbomb!

December 22, 2022 20:32 - 37 minutes - 42.4 MB

🎄 Sweet silver bells, it's Ian and Travis! 🎄 And they're building a festive edutainment adventure that teaches the storied (and controversial) history of your Yuliday tree. So listen up, because there is a quiz afterwards, and it IS mandatory! Plus: attack of the Wintaur! Saint Steve sucks! And Travis spilled soda on his hat! 🎄🎄🎄 RE: RE: [AUTOMATED YULIDAYS MESSAGE] Hello and thank you for your message! The Royals and Royals HR team will be out of office from the 22nd of Deepwinter until ...

36 – BABY'S FIRST BOSS RUSH

December 08, 2022 15:48 - 37 minutes - 43.1 MB

Ooh baby, this one is a doozy! Ian's out because he had a baby, so Adron and Travis are coming up with baddies to toughen the little sucker up! Personally I'm scared of the pigglies who are going around haunting toes... Plus: three Miatas! Ye olde Best Western smoking policies! And baby eldritch blasts! 👶 RE: RE: To all parents of Royals and Royals— You are invited to a wonderful night of BLOPPI ON ICE! Watch in amazement as Bloppi explains dinosaurs while pirouetting across the logo of y...

35 – Shanksgiving 2022

November 24, 2022 22:48 - 33 minutes - 37.8 MB

HAPPY SHANKS, Y'ALL! Ian and Travis talk the best ways to turkey proof your home from the Shanksgiving serial murderer aarakocra Jack the Flapper. Plus: Ian's pregnant! Travis learns about half baths! Turkey wieners! 🦃🔪 Dear underlings, Apparently I have upset Jack the Flapper with the most recent podcast and he is taking extra special interest in our employees. Mind your most stabbable bits—and Happy Holidays! Ok bye, Travis Royals

34 – Oops! Fall Druids

November 10, 2022 15:50 - 34 minutes - 39.6 MB

OH MY GOURD. Travis and Ian nestle in to share cider recipes and the best way to stay cozy while adventuring and covered in pumpkin guts. Or demon guts. Either way, its natural and so we support it. 🏰 To all Royals and Royals team-members— The employee refrigerator in the break room is there for you all to use, but we have to establish a few rules. Please add your name to your food so when Travis steals food from it, he will know who has good stuff. Also please label whether or not it inc...

33 – So Cool It's Spooky

October 27, 2022 15:00 - 45 minutes - 52.1 MB

Aaahh!!! Real hipsters! Ian, Travis, and Adron teach all of us nerds how to prepare for a cool people Halloween party. The answer involves lots of bird meat and very little clothing. Plus: Adron's first stand-up meeting! The coolest hat ever! And invisible make out sessions! 🏰 To all Royals and Royals team-members— You may have noticed four very skinny duergar have taken residence in the kitchen. This is Mr. Royal's new "entourage". They are relatively harmless, though their judgmental lo...

32 – Cursed-de-Sac

October 13, 2022 15:00 - 44 minutes - 50.9 MB

JUMPSCARE! Travis and Ian are making a modern horror story set in the spookiest place of all: the suburbs! It's a choose-your-own adventure that is equal parts trick AND treat! Plus: shin kicks, loose s'mores, and lengthy descriptions of garage paint! 🏰 To the witches and warlocks of Royals and Royals- The cinnamon brooms are intended as seasonally appropriate decor and should not be ridden around the office. Ultimately this is for your protection—most all who have attempted to do this ha...

31 – Kiosk Quest

September 29, 2022 19:15 - 39 minutes - 44.7 MB

In this extra crappy episode of Crappy Castles, the full squad of Travis, Ian, and Adron dive deep into the socio-economic structure of malls and their current state of abandonment. Also we coin the term "Fluffback" Tell us how you have started incorporating the word Fluffback into your everyday speech by sending us an email at [email protected] 🏰 FROM: Orange J. SUBJ: fast food monarchy Dear Royals and Adron Please make an adventure that allows me to usurp the throne from the B...

30 – 2 Fast 2 Mad About It

September 15, 2022 18:44 - 38 minutes - 43.5 MB

This one's for the speed freaks. Enjoy the Undeath Race 500, The Ranger Zone, and more high speed, high stakes one shots! Plus: snackable wine skins, taurtaurs, and Tasha Yar is there! IF YOU HAVE A TREANT / DIABETES JOKE, PLEASE SEND IT TO [email protected] 🏰 FROM: [email protected] SUBJ: Sent from the Trek Plane Dear Crappy Castles, I much appreciated your recent mention of me on Episode 30: 2 Fast 2 Mad About It! It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that I will h...

29 – Escape from Wisconsin

September 01, 2022 15:00 - 35 minutes - 40.4 MB

Lactose sensitive adventurers BEWARE! 🥛 Travis, Adron, and (GASP!) Ian create a world that is so immersive, so rich, so creamy that it MUST be Wisconsin. Plus: How is Ian back? Did Adron actually mong cheese? How quickly do cheese curds multiply if they're alone in a crawlspace? THE ANSWERS WILL BE CHEESY! 🏰 RE: RE: Don't Feed The Company Man Some of you may have noticed a very hungry, very old man in our walls, in the refrigerator, or peeking over your restroom stall. DO NOT FEAR HIM. No...

28 – Five Stages of Grief

August 18, 2022 15:00 - 36 minutes - 42.1 MB

Travis Royals and a SPECIAL GUEST CO-HOST attempt to design an adventure to help one special listener deal with the loss of their favorite podcast co-host. (Note: It is totally not the former co-host of this podcast, Sir Ian of the Hills.) Plus: deals with god, Michael's Bay, and how to roll a d2. 🏰 RE: RE: The Candlelight Vigilantes It has come to our attention that some of you are seeking vengeance for the banishment of our lead architect, Sir of the Hills. Also that you have armed your...

27 – The Company Man

August 05, 2022 00:44 - 33 minutes - 38.2 MB

Travis has shunted Sir Ian into a strange pocket dimension which leads to an encounter with a questionable former employee, the elusive company man. They make lemons into lemon flavored goblins by taking this as an opportunity to collaborate. 🏰 FWD: FWD: HR will not longer handle employee complaints As stated in the subject line, the HR department can no longer spend time handling employee complaints and reports of injury. We will however be storing them in a secure location, free of poss...

26 – 1st Annual Performance Review

July 22, 2022 01:17 - 29 minutes - 34.2 MB

Sometimes if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. It’s been ONE WHOLE FISCAL YEAR of this podcast and so it is time to take stock what has worked and what hasn’t, as well as set goals for the future. Travis and Ian don’t do any of that in this episode. But thanks for listening for a year and we look forward to keeping it going. That is, if we figure out where that spell sent him… Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: [email protected] 🏰 FWD: R...

25 – Designing Dragons

July 08, 2022 01:45 - 37 minutes - 34.7 MB

Travis and Ian peel back the scales on the realms most beloved winged and treasure hoard lovin’ denizen to get makeover befitting of Royals & Royals. There are actually some cool ideas in this one. Also some crappy ones. Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: [email protected] 🏰 RE: RE: Lorem Ipsum introduction We have a new hire today! Lorem Ipsum joins the team and is ready hit the ground running with… well we’re not really sure what their skills are but be sure t...

24 – Oops, All Tortles!

June 23, 2022 15:10 - 30 minutes - 27.6 MB

The boys make a dungeon for seven tortle bards named Sheldon. (We call that a bardzinga.) For some reason, they decide that the best course of action is to get these turtleboys in a pop music showdown called MORTAL KONCERT! Plus: Adron intro! Fancam lessons! Ian tries being a jerk! Travis is hungry again! 🏰 RE: RE: Royals & Royals Game Night CANCELED Coworkers- We regret to inform you that our annual Royals & Royals Game Night has been canceled. Someone snitched and apparently Raumtheran...

23 – BOSS RUSH #2

June 09, 2022 15:10 - 38 minutes - 35.4 MB

The boys come up with some vegan friendly bosses to satisfy any adventurer with a septum piercing. No word yet on the gluten content though. Plus: limosteeds, dandylions, and ensorceled tents of smothering. Want your own rush of bosses? Email a prompt to [email protected] 🏰 RE: RE: hi GREETINGs EMPLOYEe! :)))))) I AM THe PTO TROLL! new rule: ALL EMPLOYE MuST solVE my RIDDLES THREEE if taking VACATIONS. if you NEED ME i will be sleeping IN PARKING DECk. thank YOU! luv u :0 PTOT

22 – Kid Playground for Kids

May 26, 2022 13:00 - 33 minutes - 30.7 MB

Travis and Ian practice daddyhood with a listener request for a kid-friendly dungeon! Plus: tetanus checks, kenku shaming, and flasks of dish soap for a very slippy slide. Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: [email protected] 🏰 RE: RE: DO NOT CASH OUT (NOT A THREAT) You may have heard that our humble adventure architecture firm landed a big enough whale to keep us all in silk pajamas for the next few hundred eons! But Mr. Royals wants to stress that this is NOT ...

21 – Microtransactional

May 12, 2022 17:49 - 29 minutes - 26.9 MB

When should you put shopping in your adventure? According to Ian and Travis, the answer is: all the friggin' time! Listen to this pro bono pod for some FREE tips on adding micro, macro, and regular transactions to every single session. Plus: dungeon bathroom attendants, scarf roulette, and the importance of buying high and never selling. 🏰 Email [email protected] to have your letter ready on the show!

DM Box #1 (LEAKED PATREON EPISODE)

May 05, 2022 18:57 - 23 minutes - 21.2 MB

DM Box is a special, mostly out-of-character cast just for patrons! If you want more episodes of DM Box, join the Crappy Castles Patreon today: https://www.patreon.com/crappycastles

20 – The Taxman Cometh

April 14, 2022 15:21 - 33 minutes - 30.6 MB

IT'S TAX TIME! And Royals and Royals Adventure Architecture have to spend money to save money by creating a ton of business expenses very, very quickly. Ian suggests spending the gold safeguarding their dungeons. Travis suggests very much like... the complete opposite of that. And it's a dynamic like that that can keep a podcast going for two, maybe three more episodes! Plus: influencer dragons, timey wimey explosions, and a couple hundred omelettes. 🏰 RE: RE: A.B.S. (Always Be Shredding) ...

19 – A Side Called Quest

March 31, 2022 18:41 - 33 minutes - 30.5 MB

Can I interest you in some minimap sprinkles? Travis and Ian come up with some stellar side quests to punch up your overly involved campaign, including a fetch quest for a beholder's contact lens! Just in case your D&D narrative was moving TOO QUICKLY. Plus: Ian's got new pants, Adron's got new paychecks, and Travis is pissed about pretty much all of it. 🏰 RE: RE: The Kids Are Alright (We Think) Parents who were taking part in the new Royals and Royals Tower of Tots program: we regret to ...

18 – B.O.S.T.O.N. 2022

March 17, 2022 15:57 - 33 minutes - 30.3 MB

🍀 MAY THE LUCK OF THE ORCISH SMILE ON YA! 🍀 Travis and Ian go on a futuristic journey set in the scary cyber-port city of Beantown, MA. Including such futuristic locales as SHIPYAHDS and DIVEBAH. Plus: Murphy, Molly, and a protestant, Prius driving snake. (Adron also made a really good quiz song that you're gonna have to hear to believe.) 🏰 RE: RE: I Hate That Dirty Water We're getting a lot of compliments on the green tap water and green toilet bowls and green twenty story lobby founta...

17 – The Desserted Island

March 03, 2022 14:00 - 41 minutes - 37.5 MB

Hop on the eclair canoe and take a terrible trip on the corn syrup seas! And make sure to take your insulin shot while you're at it because this is a much crueler Candyland than you're used to. Plus: Ian tries to steer Travis away from his crippling sugar addiction, Travis attempts to dive nose first into a pile of pixie stix, and Adron continues to be the Necco-white backbone of the show. 🏰 RE: RE: Replacement Royals? Dear employees, It has been weeks since our president, leader, and ma...

16 – Catboy Paradise

February 17, 2022 16:31 - 37 minutes - 34.2 MB

Kitty in my dungeon and I want to touch it! Travis and Ian craft the perfect adventure to run with an all tabaxi party, complete with fits, sits, and the fanciest of feasts. Plus: dosed Gogurt, the dunes of Purrakis, and Ian invents a really cool hand gesture that nobody has done before. 🏰 RE: RE: Still Searching for Wire Gremlins Employees, apologies for the ongoing hardware issues. We continue to search for the wire gremlins at Sir of the Hills insistence, but none of the countless tom...

15 – Fire and Ice: A Song of Them

February 03, 2022 18:00 - 31 minutes - 29 MB

Break a leg! Or several! Travis and Ian are writing a hit play based on the book series "A Song of Ice and Fire". The only problem? They don't know what that is. Plus: frozen jerky, extremely fungible tokens, and a look at Ian's feetnotes. 🏰 RE: RE: A Cease of Crows. A Dance with Desists. To all employees scheduled to participate in the upcoming musical production of FIRE & ICE: A DANCE OF THEM—the performance has been canceled until further notice. A very angry dwarf in a very interestin...

14 – Dungeon Design 101

January 20, 2022 17:02 - 30 minutes - 27.8 MB

Ever wanted to build a one-shot like the big dogs??? Then look elsewhere! Travis and Ian are telling you literally everything they know about building a great adventure, and for at least one of them, it ain't much.

13 – Anger Managed

January 06, 2022 13:27 - 35 minutes - 32.1 MB

Travis & Ian are pressure testing your party with a frustrating quest through the fantasy furniture store Eye-KEA. Plus: court ordered sheep counting and rollin' vibe checks in the backseat of the Gremlin. 🏰 RE: RE: LIMITED TIME! GET IT BEFORE IT_DROWNS! HELL O EMPLOYEE I AM YOUR BOSS MR .ROYALS. I HAVE EMCITING OPP TUNITY IN KUA TOA PROVINC_ES. FOR LOW LOW $$$ YOU AND FAMILY CAN HAVE SHARE DCUSTODY OF SPICY SEXY CLAMSH_ELL CONDOS>> REPL Y WITH MOTHER'S MAIDEN ROUTING # TO ACT AS SOO...

12 – The Spirits of Winter's Crest

December 23, 2021 15:51 - 33 minutes - 30.5 MB

❄️ MERRY TIMES! ❄️ Travis is uncharacteristically jovial this Winter's Crest season. Meanwhile, Ian's socks have been soaked by the Gasoline Goblin. Must be a naughty halfling! Anyway, the premise of this episode is that the boys prescribe each other Winter's Crest spirits in a passive aggressive attempt to teach other a lesson. Plus: big ass brooches, peppermint popcorn, and Travis's theoretical spouse. 🏰 RE: RE: 🎶 EVERYBODY'S WORKING FOR THE WINTER 🎶 Good tidings, adventure architects! ...

11 – Stay in School, Stephen!

December 09, 2021 17:10 - 30 minutes - 27.9 MB

Ah, fifth grade. The calm before the puberty storm. In this episode, Ian teaches us the value of a good education, Travis insists on the opposite, and everybody learns a little bit about what made the boys the way they are. Plus the laziest rivers, number crunching, and the caper of the Watson Wombat. 🏰 RE: RE: BRING YOUR KIDS TO WORK MONTH In the spirit of passing on this firm's great legacy to the next generation of adventure architects, we are extending Bring Your Kids to Work Day to t...

10 – Shanksgiving

November 25, 2021 13:03 - 31 minutes - 29.2 MB

Travis forces Ian to work on Shanksgiving and they dig up a letter that's one holiday too late. Plus the Summer of Toucan Sam, gravyshots, and Ian finally does his Jerry Sheinfeld impression. 🏰 RE: RE: CRAPPY SHANSKGIVING! Due to the recent changes in the stock options, i.e. their being worthless, e.g. leadership crashing this company into the ground, all of HR has decided to leave Royals and Royals architecture firm. Let somebody else remember your [OMITTED] birthdays. Have a great holid...

9 – HMS Hard Pill

November 11, 2021 16:29 - 31 minutes - 29.1 MB

Ian and Travis solve an elderly heiress's hiccups FROM THE INSIDE. And give you an airship adventure that you'll never forget. Plus: cab-sav-blancs, catch-your-own dinners, and the greatest pun in Crappy Castles history. WANT US TO BUILD YOU A DUNGEON? SEND YOUR LETTER TO [email protected]. 🏰 RE: RE: BAD LUCK POTLUCK The most cowardly among you have told us that the employee potluck is definitely cursed. And it turns out: you were right. Cowardly, but correct. Therefore, we encou...

8 – Top Five Fey Facts

October 28, 2021 17:52 - 26 minutes - 23.8 MB

Learn all about the Feywild in an episode more aimless than a beholder with cataracts! if you're running or about to run The Wild Beyond The Witchlight, this podcast won't help in any way shape or form. Plus: lint types! Email your letters to [email protected] and we may build you an adventure! FOR FREE! 🏰 RE: RE: NEW CAGE MATERIALS? As we continue our search for the rust monster, everyone will put other projects on hold and ideate new cage materials. Note: styrofoam is out for e...

7 – Honey, We Shrunk The Party

October 14, 2021 15:00 - 40 minutes - 36.8 MB

Looking for a botanical adventure? Try these tiny trials through Travis's topiaries! Plus bug budgets, frogs unhemoth'd, and an allergic reaction to displacements. If you want the boys to build you a daggum dungeon, email your letter to [email protected]. 🏰 _RE: RE: BANDWITCH ISSUES Some team members have had trouble accessing the server remotely due to bad bandwitch. We're hopeful that once we find her reset button, this will all be resolved. Huzzah, R&R HR_

6 – Aunt Rebessica's Etiquette Manor

September 30, 2021 15:43 - 40 minutes - 36.9 MB

Ian learns how to be a fancy lad while slurping liquid chicken. Travis tells him no a lot. Adron makes the best sounding episode yet. Plus a new pixie, horse cotillion, and the origin of vicious mockery. 🏰 _RE: RE: HEY. LISTEN. We've received a lot of complaints about the notification fairies, and we just want to say: we hear you. Unfortunately, we also hear the deafening roar of an office full of notification fairies, so we will be ignoring you at this time. Huzzah, R&R HR_

5 – Can-Ya-Keep Petting Zoo

September 16, 2021 15:00 - 29 minutes - 26.7 MB

Finally, a reason to be proficient in Animal Handling! This adorable adventure involves blink chickens, dire walruses, and Travis's crippling fear of bats (and subsequent brush with superheroism). 🏰 RE: RE: PTO (RE)QUESTS Somber vacation or exotic funeral on the horizon? Don't forget to submit your PTO requests! First, overcome the frozen maw of Jotunn, then skate the glaciers of the Milk White Sea, and when you finally reach the End of All Things, you'll find a lil submission box in whic...

4 – BOSS RUSH #1

September 02, 2021 15:00 - 43 minutes - 39.6 MB

The boys come up with a bunch of big bads in our first ever BOSS RUSH. Featuring The Mmmmm, Flying Slime Recylcer, Tiny Bastard, Travis's dad, and Cardboard Cretin. 🏰 RE: RE: WINNERS DON'T USE TIME Despite the decriminalization efforts throughout the Forgotten Realms, time is still a class three substance, and any wizard caught in possession of time will be sentenced to time in magic prison—specifically three times the amount of time found on your person. Huzzah, R&R HR

3 – Atlantis III

August 19, 2021 18:29 - 41 minutes - 37.7 MB

Travis desperately tries to one up his father while Ian desperately tries to get a word in. It's an underwater adventure that, if anybody asks, is for a good cause. Plus mass extinction, reverse mermaids, and the invention of the key conundrum. 🏰 RE: RE: SUGGESTIVE BOX Once again: writing a single explicative does not qualify as a suggestion and will be shredded at once. Your cussings are overflowing the container to the point that we've had to replace some snapped hinges. This cost will ...

2 – Freaky Fredericksburg

August 05, 2021 15:00 - 35 minutes - 32.1 MB

Travis Royals and a newly knighted Ian of the Hills create a horrific one-shot that will have you asking, "Who is the real monster?" (Spoiler: it's the monsters.) Plus dire flamingos, deus ex french toast, and a close call with Willy Nilly himself. If you want a pro bono dungeon designed, send a raven to [email protected]. 🏰 RE: RE: SEVERANCE PACKAGE Per our last email, all those who were let go today are entitled to a generous severance package. Simply reply to this email with a...

1 – Camp Aarakocra

July 22, 2021 15:00 - 52 minutes - 47.6 MB

Mornin' crappy campers! In this pilot 'cast, Travis Royals and Ian of the Hills design a summer camp for something called an eagle scout. Featuring bug juice rapids, a drider named Gary, and a peek into the boss's childhood torment. If you want a pro bono dungeon designed, send a raven to [email protected]. 🏰 RE: RE: WORK HARD, FLAY HARD For anybody who is still trying to resist the mind flayers' telepathic tendrils, please know you will not be able to participate in this year's ...