Ryan Roy - Be the Dad You Wish You Had

As well as sharing his personal story, Ryan Roy has some extremely valuable encouragement and guidance for parents, especially dads. From being abandoned by his father when he was just five years of age to being a champion for hundreds of other fathers, Ryan's story is inspiring.

 

http://bethedadyouwishyouhad.com/

 

https://www.facebook.com/bethedadyouwishyouhad-2701537033209816 

 

https://fbidads.com/ 

 

https://www.facebook.com/FBIDADS2020 

 

http://www.ryanroy.me/ 

 

 

(This transcript is intended as a guide only. It may not be 100% correct.)

 

Emily Olsen 

Wherever there are shadows, there are people ready to kick out the darkness until it bleeds daylight. This is Bleeding Daylight with your host Rodney Olsen.

 

Rodney Olsen 

Thanks for listening to this very important episode of Bleeding Daylight. As well as sharing his personal story, today’s guest has some extremely valuable encouragement and guidance for parents, especially dads. I am convinced that sharing this episode will be of great benefit to many families.

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The struggles we face, the hurts we experience, will generally push us one of two ways. They can continue to harm and destroy us long after the events that initially caused us damage, or they can be the driver for transformation. Of course, even when we take the road of transformation, there's no guarantee that it will be easy or painless. Today's guest has not only seen transformation in his own life, he's actively empowering others towards transformation. Ryan Roy, welcome to Bleeding Daylight.

 

Ryan Roy 

Hey, thank you so much, Rodney, for having me. I'm excited to be on the show today and share a little bit of my journey.

 

Rodney Olsen 

The hurts in your life began so very early. What are your earliest memories? And how did they begin to shape you all that time ago?

 

Ryan Roy 

Well, we jumped right in, didn't we? So you know, one of my earliest memories is when I was five years old. It was right before Christmas that year. It was the day that I realized that my father had abandoned me. I was laying in bed, my parents had been divorced. And I had spent the weeks with my father. And I admit I was spending a weekend with my mother. And because I was such a good kid. And it was right before Christmas. I was sharing with my mother what presents I wanted under her tree at her house and, and what presence that Santa was going to deliver at my dad's house. And in that moment, my mom said she had to share something with me. And what she shared is that I would no longer be going to my father's house. In that moment, she assured me that Santa would bring all the presents to her house. I think that was her way of comforting me at the time. Many years later, I did some personal development. And they asked me, What did I do in that moment? How did I react? And my response was, I believe I was just strong from my mother. That's no burden that any five year old should have to put on, we should never have to be at that age strong for our parents. So it was a very, I guess, challenging time and I grew up and I realized that through life. I've always tried to be really strong for others as I was at that five year old. So that challenge continues throughout life today, even though I'm very conscious of it.

 

Rodney Olsen 

You weren't the only child in the family but there was a big age difference, I believe between you and your siblings.

 

Ryan Roy 

Yeah, so I was it will get a little bit deeper into the story. But my mother gave birth to five children, but she had multiple marriages. So in and out of marriages, there was actually a total of 10 of us. And I was the baby of everybody and my next closest sibling in age was seven and a half years older than I.

 

Rodney Olsen 

What was it like going forward from there, as you say your parents had already been divorced. But there's still this being brought up in that time of your mom being a single parent, I guess in and out of marriages. What did that mean for you as a child?

 

Ryan Roy 

Oh, I guess it It created a level of instability, right finances were challenging. As my mom had five of us. You know, me being the youngest. She was at her last marriage. But there were still men that came in and out of her life. My siblings were older. They were experimenting with things that fortunately, I never experienced. But, you know, I watched my brothers get arrested. I remember hearing a conversation where my sister probably around 15 or 16 years old got rushed to the hospital because she was found drunk in a snowbank. I saw you know, my brothers and even my sister do drugs, smoke marijuana, snort cocaine. It's not not an environment, necessarily that you would ideally for a young man to grow up witnessing. I will say this though, my mother just worked really hard, and did the best she could. She wasn't part of that. Like my mother never drank a drink in her life never did a drug in her life. She did smoke cigarettes, but that was the extent of her use in any way.

 

Rodney Olsen 

I'm always interested to find out when people discover that what they're experiencing is not normal. Because when we're immersed in it, that's all we know. So for you, this must have seen like, well, this is how everyone leaves. When did you realize it wasn't?

 

Ryan Roy 

Yeah, you know, Rodney, that's a fantastic question. And thanks for asking it. I think at a young age we I grew up in in Connecticut, for those of you who are unfamiliar, Connecticut is in the northeast of the United States. And then we we moved when I was seven and a half years old down to South Florida, which is in the bottom southeastern portion of the United States about a 1500 mile difference. And at that point, I was in the third grade. And I started, you know, I think around that age third and fourth grade as children, we start to do sleepovers at other people's houses, and things of that nature. And I, I slept over a friend's house. And there wasn't the chaos. As as I will describe it today, there wasn't the in and out of people in and out of the house there there was there was structure. There was consistency. There was, you know, my mom worked long hours. So there was always food in the house, but I kind of had to fend for myself at a very young age. Mom was there. And she cooked us a meal and asked us what we wanted to do. And, and there was a bedtime, and there was a bath time. And I went back home. And I was like, well, that's not what I normally experience. So I think I would have to say around third or fourth grade, you know, 7, 8, 9 years old.

 

Rodney Olsen 

Was that a sense of hope for you in knowing that things could be different? Or was it more a case of Well, that's how everyone else has got it. But this is how I'm stuck.

 

Ryan Roy 

You know, another fantastic question. I think, as time went on it, I don't think in that moment, I thought it was a sense of hope but I realized there was another way. And if I were to find that, then it would probably be a better way of living. And I think it was a sense of hope. Because I knew there was another way of living that was, for lack of a better term more comfortable than the way I was living. And it was something that I could strive for, because I didn't just see it on television, right? I actually witnessed it. And it was just happening two blocks down the road at my friend's house,

 

Rodney Olsen 

You say that you saw your siblings go through things that they shouldn't have been going through through dangerous and risky behavior. And you managed to stay out of that. What did you do in the place of that kind of behavior to to keep yourself away from it?

 

Ryan Roy 

You must have done this once or twice, because these are actually really fantastic questions. I witnessed what it was doing to my mother at a young age. So as she was dealing with them going in and out of, you know, jail, or juvie, or detention centers, or whatever it may have been, or in and out of hospitals. I just I think she had a conversation, she goes, I hope you never do this to me. And I think that always stuck with me, if she didn't actually have that conversation. I had it with myself, I didn't want to hurt my mother the way they were hurting. So I always, again, trying to protect my mother didn't want to have that experience happen for her. So what I did, personally, is I dove into sports. Now again, my mom didn't put me in Little League or soccer or anything like that. But at school, I would show up to school early and a bunch of friends and I would play American football. for two hours before school even started. At lunch, we'd play football and after school, I would play football. And as I got older that led into I live really close to a beach, heading to the beach, a mile down the road and playing beach volleyball.

 

Rodney Olsen 

I'm still wondering, though, for this young man that we're talking about who has experienced such a fractured life to this point. There's this sense of empathy that you have for your mother and you're not wanting to disappoint, I guess part of it is is wanting that acceptance and wanting that from your mom. But but it's an empathy that sounds like it goes beyond that. Where do you think that's come from?

 

Ryan Roy 

Oh, my mom's a pretty amazing woman in a lot of ways, right? She has gone through a lot of hard things herself, and not not knowing that at that age. I think my mother, always even though it was extremely busy, always took the time to sit and talk. I feel as though what little time she had free. She actually spent teaching me really important life lessons. So when my siblings were going through some of that in and out of jail and things of that nature. I remember her at a very early age, you asked about my earliest memories. This is another early one probably right around that time, maybe five and a half, six years old, where she had a conversation with me about right and wrong. She says Listen, I've done my job. I taught you right from wrong. And there's consequences for actions in life. And I think it's because one of my brothers had just got arrested that week. And she was frustrated. And she just wanted to share this lesson with me. So she went through a series of questions. She goes, is this right or is this wrong? And she literally, I answered them all she goes, You answered every single one of those right? I've done my job. It's your choice. That when you make a choice to do something, whether it's right or wrong, you get to suffer the consequences and she actually went through She goes, listen, Ryan, you can do anything you want in life, as long as you're willing to suffer the consequences, both positive and negative. If she says, so if you were to kill somebody, what could happen? I was like, I guess you could go to jail for life? She goes, yes. So you can do that if you want to. She goes, I don't suggest it. But you can do it, knowing there's a consequence. I think I've always known about consequences based on that or even thought about consequences. So that helped me growing up, hey, do I want to do recreational drugs with my friends or not? There's a consequence to that. And I've seen what the consequences are that in my own family's life. And that's just one conversation I have with my mom, there's so many that she just sat with me, and taught me simple life lessons. So to me, that was her showing me love. But she took the time to give me that love, and frankly, wisdom. And I always wanted to respect her for it.

 

Rodney Olsen 

And there's something incredibly empowering about choices and consequences, rather than just Oh, don't do that. No reason, when we start to understand that if she was empowering you even at that young age,

 

Ryan Roy 

Absolutely. We could call it what it is. But as a as a believer, and a man of faith. I look back, and I feel as though I could have gone so many different directions in life. But I always feel like I had God's hand on my shoulder even though I didn't have a relationship with him. Early on in my life. As I look back, there's so many choices I could have made and we can say that, you know, mom gave me that wisdom but I think God gave her that wisdom to impart onto me.

 

Rodney Olsen  

Where does life lead from here? You're into sports? And I imagine that you becoming quite good at it. Does that lead any way for you?

 

Ryan Roy 

Yeah, absolutely. As as we described, it was kind of an escape for me. None of my siblings had ever gone to college. College wasn't something that was ever spoken of in my household. It was like, hey, you're going to go through school. Your job is to go through school. That's what mom knew in school was to graduate from high school. That was the expectation there were no further expectations. But because I drowned myself, in sport, I spent so many hours on a beach playing volleyball. I did get pretty good at it. And at some point, in my junior year in high school, I was offered a scholarship to play volleyball in college. And very unexpected. I remember when the scout came to the school to watch my teammate who is a senior play, how it's trimming up a little of emotion. I've never seen a coach. I got to play them. Excuse me. I have to play my best game because I want Josh to get this scholarship. Oh, I played my best game that day. Statistically, I was a setter. And I had I think my best game prior to that was like 23 assists. And I had 46 that that night. Josh had an incredible game. After the game coach went and sat with the the coach that came to scout him. Coach was a mentor of mine. We'd often get on the phone after a game, talk about the game talk about how we can improve. Talk about the upcoming opponent. And I said so as Josh could get scholarship. And he says yeah, goes but I have some good news for you. They want you too. A very pivotal point in my life.

 

Rodney Olsen 

It's obviously very powerful when there's a man of influence who's putting their faith in you something that you've not had to this point in your life here. Absolutely.

 

Ryan Roy 

And he was actually a friend of mine. He was much older than I he had gone to the same school. We hadn't attended school at the same time. And he was just four years older than I and he came to coach the volleyball team. I knew him from playing on the beach. And I trusted him to guide me right because I had no other guidance. So the camaraderie of playing on a team being needed wanted, and being a significant part of a team played a very instrumental role at that point in my life, because like I said, not only did it get me a scholarship, but prior to that, it gave me purpose. It gave me a reason to go to school because school was a place for me to go play football for whatever reason The academic part of it wasn't important. It wasn't stressed in my house right survival was more important. often say I was, you know, in survival mode I was worried about if I was going to come home to a house that had, you know, a VCR stolen and sold for drugs, or if another one of my brothers was being arrested, or if, you know, I didn't know what I was going into when I went home. So leaving for school early to play football and staying after school, late to play football, or go to the beach and play volleyball, was because I didn't really care to be at home, having a structure of once we got into high school, and there were structured sports in high school, and having a coach pour into me, and I'll share this, we actually won a championship. And being a focal point of that championship team, and then relying on me was  a big why for me to show up to school because the academic portion wasn't difficult for me. It just wasn't much of interest to me.

 

Rodney Olsen 

So you've learned what it's like to have people who believe in you who trusting you, who are helping you to put this structure in place. But I'm sure that there's still this yearning to connect with not just a father figure, but your father did you try and reach out to your dad?

 

Ryan Roy 

Yeah, so going through school, graduating, getting a degree can get you multiple degrees, I got two degrees coming out of college, did a double major, getting my first job being much more successful than I thought I would be just a few years earlier, I had this yearning to share that with the man who created me, I can honestly say, even to this day, even with all the reflection, that I don't think I ever had the strong desire, prior to that point, to reach out to my father really know who he was. But at this point, I consider myself successful. And I wanted to share that with the person who created me, I had this thought of, wow, I'm a pretty amazing guy. And I've done a lot of good things, there has to be a man out there that created me that would want to know this. And that would want to be proud and say, Hey, I'm proud of you, son. So I knew my mother knew who he was. I knew she knew where he was. And I went to her and I said, Mom, I need to know. And I need to meet my dad. And I want and I'm gonna go do this. As I know where he is, and I know how to connect with him. I just want to give you an opportunity to share your side of the story because I've never asked, because I don't I want to give you that opportunity. So is there anything that I should know? And mom basically said, some superficial things, you know, didn't work out. And, you know, in what I do remember, because there wasn't anything significant in that conversation is her saying and tell him that he still owes me a couple years of child support. And my immediate thought was, oh, man, I thought to myself, I'm not gonna ask him to pay child support. That's what I'm not, I'm not going there for that. That's something you would have to do. Long story short, shortly after that, I go, I meet him. I sit in his living room. And we have a four hour discussion. And I think it was just my sales pitch of what a great person I had become. I showed him my accolades from school, I showed him my degrees, I showed him pictures of my big office overlooking downtown Miami. And then at the end of the conversation, and he just listened, and I thank him so much for this. I listened. He listened to me for all that time. And I said, and I just have one question. After all this, why did you not reach out? Why did you not want to be a part of my life? And he says, I don't want to bad mouth. Your mom. She's obviously done an amazing job as you're an amazing young man. But you asked me a good question. And I want to tell you my truth. As much as I would like for you to be my son. I don't believe that you are. And he gave me his reasons. And in that moment, Rodney, I think I was strong once again. And all I said to him, as I said, that's your belief in Are you willing to take a DNA test to prove it? Because I would like to know. And he agreed to do so. So we took a DNA test and six weeks later it came back. That's it He was not my father, which led to a lot of hurt and betrayal from mom and 10 years of a lot of anger as she didn't want to answer my questions. But as I brought it to her attention, she very nonchalantly once I got the DNA test back and told her that he wasn't my father, she very nonchalantly said, My biological father's name, which brought up even more anger, because I told you, I gave her that opportunity to share anything that I might need to know going in to meet the man on my birth certificates. You know, so I was hurt, anger felt betrayed. I had been what I felt is abandoned by my father at age five. Now I'm being betrayed by my mother, not a lot of answers over the next 10 years and I just like, like I did in high school, I buried myself in a career in work, and felt lost.

 

Rodney Olsen 

I can't imagine how much that would have heard because there's this mom, who has always been there not always done the greatest job, but certainly always tried to do the greatest job. And to find at that point, that she had misled you towards who your father was, it must have been a deeper.

 

Ryan Roy 

Yeah, absolutely. It was a deep hurt and a lot of anger. I'm one who likes to communicate, and I probably didn't communicate. as best I communicated as best I could, at the time with the hurt that I had. But there were a lot of letters asking for answers, or a lot of phone calls, or a lot of Mom, please explain to me what went on. Because I was just trying to figure it all out, and again, had this hole in my heart. So, so much so that I was in and out of relationships with women. And I almost vowed to myself subconsciously, that I was never going to have children of my own, simply because I didn't think that I wouldn't be a good father necessarily. I thought that I didn't have an example of what it looked like to be in a healthy relationship, I didn't know what that looked like, and feared that I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship and therefore anyone I brought into the world may experience the same experience I had, and that is of a broken parent household. And I didn't want to bring somebody into that experience, knowing the hardships that it caused myself.

 

Rodney Olsen 

You mentioned before that even at that point, you weren't a person of faith, but that you knew God was working in the background. And I strongly believe that God had something else in store for you because you weren't going to stay without a steady relationship or without steady children were you?

 

Ryan Roy 

No, it wasn't and thank God for that. I told you, I buried myself in work and and I suffered some hardships in that as I didn't have a lot of guidance and mentorship. So although I became successful, in a lot of ways that people would consider success, a lot of money, cars, houses, it all fell apart in 2008. When the real estate collapse happened in the United States, I suffered a bankruptcy, as I had multiple properties as I was flipping real estate at the time, buying houses fixing up and selling them. And it was a low point in my life, because I was at least good at that. And I wasn't even good at that anymore. I was I told you I never really did drugs. I never drank. But for a six month period, I must say that I sat at a bar, wallowing in my own stuff. I didn't share with anybody what was going on in my life. At the end, it was six months knowing I had to file for bankruptcy and every last dollar dwindling on what bank accounts I had. And the credit cards knocking at the door in the debt just amounting to seven figures. I had a conversation with myself. And it's interesting because it was right before Christmas again, as the new year was about to roll around. And I had a conversation with myself at this point. I didn't have a relationship with God. But I said Ryan, this is not you. You know better you can do better. And sitting at a bar for way too many hours each day. And each night is not ever going to get you where you could go you're a fighter, you've always been a fighter. So on January one, my friend I was giving myself another week through the holidays to to get through this you are going to turn over a new leaf and become your old self again and stop this drinking foolishness that you're going through. I had that conversation with myself I believe it was December 23 on December 28. This bar I went to I'm an avid football fan as you not only did I play but I enjoy the game. So at this bar that I hung out They had a sports, it was a sports bar, I would go and watch the game there. And that day, my wife walked into that bar. And she was wearing my team's jersey, she happened to sit two stools down from me at the bar, and the person in between was an acquaintance of hers and an acquaintance of mine. I think God planted her in my life that day. Not only that, I told you, I gave you a date of January 1. January 1 was our first date, if you would, it was actually it's actually her birthday also. So it's pretty amazing. I believe our God has a sense of humor. And I think that day, he was chuckling just like you just did.

 

Rodney Olsen 

That's a strong move, having the first date on her birthday. Well done for that.

 

Ryan Roy 

Thank you. I was pretty aggressive and not shy. You know, I worked quickly, but uh, you know, I was still in a state of brokenness, I wasn't looking for a relationship, I don't think she was either. She had come out of a relationship recently herself, I had come out of a relationship six, seven months earlier, myself, I don't think either one of us were looking for that. And that was the beauty of this relationship. We weren't masking anything. We had really deep conversations about life, we had really deep conversations about what we thought we wanted in life from a partner, right? I think when we're younger, we talk about what we want. And I think as we grow older, and go through some relationships, we started understanding, there's certain things that we won't accept, or tolerate. And we create these real expectations of what it looks like to be in a relationship as opposed to these false like, oh, he has to be six to enhance them, for the girl. And you know, and for the guy like she has to be, you know, she has to laugh at every single one of my jokes and be really cute and, and whatever those expectations that people put on that are superficial when they're young, her things were, I need my man to respect me, my previous relationship. He wasn't abusive physically, but he was verbally, right, he spoke to her poorly. And she's like, I will not put up with that. For me. I just can't even pinpoint it now, because I don't know what those relationships look like. Because at this point, I have a 12 year successful relationship and a 10 year successful marriage. So I don't I don't even remember what a very unhealthy relationship looks like. Because it's very much a part of my past. And I thank God for that.

 

Rodney Olsen 

You're married and still you have in the back of your mind that you don't necessarily want children because you don't want to see those same mistakes repeated.

 

Ryan Roy 

Yeah. So I'll tell you as it started getting serious with my wife and I, as we started realizing we were falling in love she she wanted to have a very serious conversation with me. And she says to me, one day, she says, Well, how do you feel about having children? And like any smart man, I asked the question, Well, how do you feel because I knew how I felt right? It was one of my biggest fears to have children. And she says, Well, if it's a deal breaker for you, I need to share this because the doctors told me as I had an ovarian cyst at one point in my life, that there's a 5% chance that I would ever be able to bear children only a 5% chance. Internally, Rodney, I did a fist pump. I think I did a backflip I probably had the biggest grin on my face internally, I showed my poker face and at that point, because I'm falling in love with a woman that will never have the ability in my mind. For me to face my greatest fear. Not going to have to have children. We love to travel. We're having a great time together. She has a solid foundation, her career. I'm going through a little bit of turmoil, but I know I'm going to get back on my feet. She's chosen to stop by my side as she knew all the challenges I was facing financially, and some of them emotionally Hause. Like, wow, this is great. I've hit the lottery. So I chose to marry her. She said yes. I chose to ask her. She said yes. And on our wedding night. She says what are we going to do about this kid thing? And in my mind, I'm like, well, you said you have a 5% chance. And I said to her, I said, let's just do we do, let's enjoy each other. Let's have fun. And whatever happens happens. And six weeks later, we conceived in our New Year's Eve that year 2010. Going into 2011, we got the pregnancy test back positive and I realized that I was about to be a father. And I was ecstatic. But that fear was still there. And that fear turned into a positive. And I said not only am I going to be fully present, but I'm going to make the choice to be a dad that I wish I had, I just define that as being fully present.

 

Rodney Olsen 

And so that's the the track that you're wanting to be on, I guess there's still some nervousness. But at least you've decided within yourself, things are going to be different, you're going to be the dad that you wish that you had had. So how did that turn out?

 

Ryan Roy 

Well, thus far, I like to think I'm doing a pretty good job. And I'll share a quick story of my nine year old as I have two boys now, both of them are absolutely amazing. They're the loves of my life, being a father is one of the greatest gifts God could have ever given me. And I'm so grateful for it, because it allows me to live, relive my childhood, in a lot of ways through them, right, we get to play sports, we get to do things. But I get to see the joy in my boys, and it's not an escape for them. Right? When we just have conversations like my mom had with me, I hear a lot of my mom's wisdom come out of me. But it's in a completely safe space where they know that they're loved, they know that they're safe. And I think those are two of the most important things that any child can have, in order to have whatever they define as success as an adult. I'll tell you this quick story that my son shared with me just the other day, he has some friends that are dealing with some challenges. One of his best friends lost his mother two years ago to a massive heart attack, she was only 42 years old. So I can only imagine what that young man is going through being raised just by his father, and basically having witnessed his mother passing at, you know, seven years old when that happen. And because of that, I think he's out lashing towards my son a little bit. And I think there's a level of jealousy, right. And we we talked through that, you know, he's jealous. And we went through the reasons. And he said, I said, Does that make sense to you? hurt people hurt people, and he's hurt right now. And he's not doing it because he doesn't like you. I think he's actually doing it because he admires you. I said, so let's just sympathize and empathize with where he is. I'm not saying what he is doing is right. But do you ever have a sense of jealousy towards somebody else? He says, Why would I ever want to be somebody else? I love who I am. So that leads me to believe that I'm on the right path of whatever I'm doing as a parent. But how did I get there? I didn't have a father. I had a mother who worked long hours and did her best. There was food on the table. It was a roof over our head, there were some very intentional conversations. But that day to day, that moment to moment, I was there to guide myself. Or, as I like to put it, I watched what my brothers and sisters did, and vowed not to do that. Do you see a common theme there? And thank you for that in this interview, because I just discovered that for myself. I went to the experts. I read every magazine, there were actually a couple parenting podcasts that I listened to 910 years ago at this point, I asked my friends who I thought had a grasp on this parenting thing. Because they had children themselves. I actually went to Facebook and asked every single person on my Facebook that I went to high school with that had kids, I private message, every single one of them and I said if there was one nugget as a parent, you'd like to pass on, what would it be. And I got some golden nuggets out of that. I just researched what it looked like to be a good dad. And then I took what my gut said to be a good dad. And I formulated into being fully present, have schedule have structure, tell them and show them that you love them in so many other simple, simple, simple lessons that I try to use absolutely every day of this parenting journey.

 

Rodney Olsen 

So all along, you're gathering this advice, you're putting these things into practice. And you're probably feeling Yeah, I'm doing okay, sense of nervousness, but I'm doing okay. But of course, you were abandoned by your father at the age of five. So as you're approaching your son's fifth birthday, Was there some extra nervousness there? Was there something special that that happened at that time, that let you know you're on the right track.

 

Ryan Roy 

So approaching his fifth birthday, I had started talking to, unbeknownst to me a number of Christians just based on my, my profession, and surrounding myself and they were surrounding themselves with me. And one of my clients, a Christian. We're on a client call one day, and he says, Hey, Ryan, can I just ask you a personal question? I said, Sure. He goes, have you ever given yourself to the Lord? And I was like, I go, you know, we've been attending church. I'm trying to have a relationship. If I don't know what that looks like I said, if you mean going and getting baptized, you know, I haven't really done that. And he says, Have you ever said the Lord's Prayer? And I said, I don't think I have he goes, Well, if you don't think you have you probably haven't. He goes, let me ask you a few questions. So sure, he goes, do you believe that Jesus died on the cross? so that you could be forgiven for your sins? I said, Yeah, I believe that. He goes, do you believe that they they put them in a tomb, and he was there for three days was again, I believe that that's what it says in the Bible. You believe that he rose again? I said, I do. And he goes, do you believe that? He's here for your salvation and to guide you? I said, I do. He says, Well, do you want to say a prayer with me and accept Him into your heart? And I said, is that what I need to do? He goes, if you want to have eternal life, that's part of the process. I said, then let's do that. And we did it on the phone that day, and it just so happened to be August 30 2016. And my son's birthday is August 31. The amazing thing is years later, not even years, maybe months later, I was talking to my friend there, my client at the time and friend now. And we were reminiscing about that I said, You know, I didn't really realize that at the time. I didn't realize the impact that I didn't know what I was doing. He goes I know you didn't most people don't. I go but it was, as I went and looked at my journals, I said it was the day before Christian's fifth birthday. He goes, that is so amazing. He goes I gave myself to the Lord. The day before his youngest daughter's fifth birthday. Another God funny. I think he looks down on us. And he laughs He goes, Yeah, I have this all I have this plan. I'm orchestrating it. And yeah, it's just amazing. How if we really look how God shifts in our life, and how he works in her life, and if we really pay attention, that he's always there,

 

Rodney Olsen 

You have taken the fears, you've taken the nervousness about parenting, and you've decided, Hey, there might be some others in the same boat. And so you've been making a difference for other dads in helping them to come to terms with what being a dad is about. Maybe you can tell us a little about that.

 

Ryan Roy 

Yeah, so there's no coincidence, right? God has a plan. And I had just given myself to the Lord, my son had just started kindergarten. So he just entered school. They had a program at the school called fathers being involved. And I was super excited to be a part of this group. When I sign up for the mailing list, there weren't a lot of names on the list. But I thought my wife and I had just gotten to the school early as they had open house and and I waited patiently by my computer to wait for an email from this father's being involved group. They said there was a meeting, I showed up to the meeting. And it was just me and the guy who sent out the email. And I said, well, where are all the dads? And he says, you know, although it's called fathers being involved, it just doesn't seem like the dads want to be involved. And I knew in my heart of hearts, that was false, because I felt a certain way about that I wanted to be involved. I had been involved for the last five years. In everything my son didn't, I wasn't going to stop because there was a broken program at the school. So I decided to take over the FBI dads group, and I've grown it from me and that guy, to over 400 dads are on our mailing list. And pre COVID when we were doing in person events, we average over 155 dads showing up to a breakfast event, where we do an interactive lesson with the kids, we laugh, we joke, we scream, we yell, we eat a doughnut, we talk, we have the dads look into their kids eyes and tell them why they're proud of them. And it's just been a tremendous success, so much so that it's received some accolades. And there are people at the county and state level asking how we get this into more schools.

 

Rodney Olsen 

I really believe that most dads want to do a good job, but they really don't know how. So here you are, you're starting to hand him the keys, what sort of a response you're getting back from, from both those dads and some of the kids

 

Ryan Roy 

Well the dads. It's amazing because I get these emails that just say simple things like thank you so much. I know this has had a huge impact on my relationship with my daughter or my son. I've had responses or dads come up to me and say, you know, I didn't know where I fit in at the school. But I feel super comfortable coming to these events. And there's so much fun. The kids I hear through the dads but the kids often won't let the dads miss an FBI dad's event right and FBI stands for fathers being involved. Just hearing the stories of the dads saying like they won't let me go. From the counselors at the school and the teachers and the administration. They say they absolutely love seeing the hallways crowded with dads, what a great problem to have. Our biggest problem on an FBI dad's breakfast is opening the doors to the school early, and parking. Because the carpool line is just crazy that morning. And I see the Facebook feeds for the school that say, oh, it must be an FBI dad's breakfast for the moms and they say it in a positive way. Right. It's great to see so many dads flood the hallways, we're glad that we had such a positive impact. The test scores in the school have gone up, the camaraderie in the school has gone up. Not only do we have the dads come to breakfast, but we have the dads do reader days where after a breakfast we have the dads disperse into the classrooms and read to the kids. So to have 60 dads fill 60 classrooms and read has been a tremendous impact. And then a couple times a year, we get the dads to roll up their sleeves and do things that we absolutely love to do, which is you know, pressure cleaning school drop pine straw pull weeds. We're doing a project right now where we're we're rebuilding an outdoor stage at the school. And the dads really, really, really feel a part of the community of the school, not just dropping them off or picking him up occasionally at the carpool line.

 

Rodney Olsen 

It's a remarkable response to this program that that you're implementing there along with others as well. And I've got to say, Ryan, that while your earthly father didn't want to walk the journey of life with you, I get the feeling that your heavenly Father is just continuing to smile. And he's filling that gap, although I'm sure there's still some pain there, that your heavenly Father is filling the gap that was left when your earthly father walked away is that the experience for you?

 

Ryan Roy 

The experience for me, once I gave myself to the Lord and trusted and started to really have a relationship with Him through studying his words, getting in men's groups and understanding other men's experience with God and, and talking through that with them and, and surrounding myself with fellow Christians while still being a part of the world, so that I can impact with my story, those who may not have a relationship with God, the best way that I can describe it. And I wholeheartedly hope everybody has this experience when they choose to have a relationship with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is a sense of peace and that peace helped me define my purpose, because I was able to listen without distraction. And I believe God's purpose for me is to help heal the father child relationship here on Earth, while I'm here to really pour into that. And it's so simple. And I think men fear this so much, because we don't want to fail that things that a lot of men don't show up. Or they show up the way they believe society has told them to show up, like go earn a paycheck. And just like our Heavenly Father, and what you desire, and what I desire, and whatever little girl and every little boy and whatever adult on this planet desires is to be loved. Through actions and through words. And if we could just show up and have those simple conversations like my mom had with me, because I know my mother loved me, although she wasn't perfect. Because I know she poured into me because she said so. And she did so through her actions. I think just showing up and telling our kids like we do at an FBI dads breakfast, son, daughter, I am proud of you because in finish it that sentence, often for our children. And then follow that up with a I love you. Which is followed up with in many ways, words and actions, I believe in you. And I trust you. Because I think those are all the things that our heavenly father say to us every single day. And if, as parents, we could say those four things. I'm proud of you. I love you. I believe in you. And I trust you through your actions and words. I think the journey becomes a lot easier for you as a parent and for your child receiving that love. And I think that's what God's put me on this planet and that's what my purpose is to relay that message to as many people as I possibly can.

 

Rodney Olsen 

Ryan I'm going to put some links in the show notes at bleeding guideline dotnet so that people can get in touch with you find out more about FBI dads or even to have a look at your book that you wrote about being the dad I wish I had. What's the easiest place for people to find you?

 

Ryan Roy 

Yeah, the easiest way is just that bethedadyouwishyouhad.com that has my podcast that has pretty much anything you need. If you want to know more about FBI dads, you could go to FBIdads.com. Those are the two best ways to get hold of me,

 

Rodney Olsen 

Ryan, it really has been a delight to talk to you to hear your story, to hear some of that pain, that very real pain that's there but to also hear the healing and the transformation and now the transformation that you're bringing into the lives of others. Thank you for spending some time on Bleeding Daylight today.

 

Ryan Roy 

Thank you, Rodney for having me.

 

Emily Olsen 

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