Bible Stories for Heathen Children
56 episodes - English - Latest episode: almost 3 years ago - ★★★★ - 39 ratingsI'm Robbie, and I tell family-friendly, fun, and somewhat irreverent retellings of Bible stories for kids who aren't already familiar with them. I couldn't find the stories told as myth without attempts at indoctrination, so I'm trying to do that. The audience I always have in mind for my stories are my two brilliant and sarcastic children, ages 8 and 9. Text versions will be posted for free at https://www.patreon.com/BSFHC .Subscribe to my Patreon for bonus content and early access to episodes! (My Patreon is currently on hold.) Make a one-time donation at ko-fi.com/robbiebsfhc.
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Episodes
50 - Peter and Cornelius
May 20, 2021 12:00 - 16 minutes - 11.1 MBThis week, we continue the story of the early church in the book of Acts, focusing on Peter. Peter has a weird hunger dream and then gets a request for help from an unexpected source: a Roman centurion! He knows God is trying to tell him something -- but what? Support the show
49 - The Necromancer
April 01, 2021 12:00 - 6 minutes - 4.77 MBIn this special episode, Robbie tells the chilling story of an undead demigod with an insatiable thirst for souls & the power to raise an army of the dead. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content! Support the show
48 - Nehemiah and the Evil Rich People
March 11, 2021 13:00 - 20 minutes - 14.3 MBIn this story, Nehemiah rallies the people to rebuild Jerusalem. Almost everyone helps build it except the rich people, who are too busy taking advantage of people's struggles to become even wealthier at their neighbors' expense. Nehemiah has a lot of work to do to protect against threats from both outside and inside the city. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-ex...
47 - Esther
February 25, 2021 13:00 - 26 minutes - 18.4 MBToday Robbie tells one of the most beloved Bible stories of all time: the story of Esther, the young queen who saved her people from destruction. Content note: In the original story there's an undercurrent of sexual violence and racial violence, and the story takes place in a culture that just isn't safe for ethnic minorities and women. We tried to keep this adaptation child-friendly and as light as possible while still being true to the story and the author’s own beliefs on the importance...
46 - Paul the Apostle
January 28, 2021 13:00 - 16 minutes - 11.4 MBThis episode picks back up in the book of Acts, where Peter and the early church are excited to face a lot of persecution, mostly directed by a young man named Saul. Saul, also known as Paul, is very, very certain that he knows the true way to follow God and that those who disagree with him are not only wrong but dangerous. We’ll see whether that changes over the course of this story. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to he...
45 - Samson
January 14, 2021 13:00 - 37 minutes - 25.4 MBThis episode is all about Samson, God’s one-man wrecking crew against the Philistines. Samson was not the wisest, but he definitely was the strongest -- at least, while his hair was long. It’s a story full of fighting, riddles, deception, and extreme recklessness. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content! Support the show
44 - Imposters Among Us: Shibboleths
December 31, 2020 13:00 - 16 minutes - 11.3 MBThis episode is about shibboleths! You may not know that word, but if you've heard of or played the video game "Among Us," you may already know the concept. We're telling the story of Jephthah the judge, a strong fighter who was terrible at diplomacy, made an impulsive promise that led to tragedy, and who is mostly known for his plan for identifying imposters. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast go...
43 - The Christmas Story LIVE!
December 17, 2020 13:00 - 31 minutes - 21.4 MBIn this episode, Robbie revisits the Christmas story (Gospel of Luke version) live with a studio audience! (OK, the studio audience consists of their spouse and kids...gotta maintain social distancing!) Free text version is available for most episodes at patreon.com/bsfhc. (Because this episode did not have a script, we unfortunately don't have a transcript. We're sorry about that! But please feel free to check out episode 13, where Robbie first told the Christmas story -- that episode does...
42 - Elisha Makes Naaman Take a Bath
December 03, 2020 13:00 - 15 minutes - 10.9 MBIn this episode, commander Naaman from Aram goes to his enemy country in search of a miracle cure for his sickness, and the great prophet Elisha magically captures an entire army. King Joram provides comedic relief. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content! Support the show
41 - The Tower of Babel - Where Languages Come From
November 19, 2020 13:00 - 17 minutes - 12 MBThis week we tell the story of a group of people who got along so well and worked together so well that God decided they had to be stopped. Before that, we revisit the stories of God creating the world, Adam and Eve, and Noah’s Ark, so we can better understand how the Tower of Babel fits into the book of Genesis. And because the Tower of Babel is an origin story for languages, we also take a look at how languages actually develop. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please ...
40 - Daniel, Part Three: The Writing on the Wall and the Lions' Den
November 05, 2020 13:00 - 18 minutes - 12.5 MBIn this episode, Daniel interprets an ominous message for Nebuchadnezzar's heir. Later he must survive threats caused by the jealousy of the other wise men, as well as the hubris of a new king. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content! Support the show
39 - Daniel, Part Two: Nebuchadnezzar's Announcement
October 22, 2020 12:00 - 12 minutes - 8.56 MBA sequel to the last episode from the book of Daniel. In this episode Robbie is interrupted by an important stranger from another time, King Nebuchadnezzar, here to tell a story to the world about his thrilling adventure in which God does bad things to him just because God can. Isn’t that great news? Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content! Sup...
38 - Daniel, Part One
October 08, 2020 12:00 - 17 minutes - 12.1 MBJoin us for some stories from the book of Daniel, which tell the adventures of a boy named Daniel and his three friends living in exile in Babylon. Babylon is ruled by King Nebuchadnezzar, who thinks very highly of his own leadership skills and who will kill anyone he needs to in his attempts to seek wisdom and to unify his vast conquered lands. Will Daniel and his three friends stand up for what they believe is right, even despite threats and punishment from the Babylonian ruler? Will the...
37 - Joshua and the Battle of Jericho
September 24, 2020 12:00 - 22 minutes - 15.4 MBThis week we tell the story of the Israelites entering the Promised Land, 40 years after their exodus from Egypt. With Moses gone, his assistant, Joshua, steps up to lead the people. It’s a story about spying, subterfuge, and another one of God's convoluted battle plans! Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content! Support the show
36 - David and Goliath as a Dungeons & Dragons Campaign
September 10, 2020 12:00 - 13 minutes - 9.59 MBThe podcast's one-year anniversary is this month! To celebrate, we're releasing a special episode that was previously exclusive to our $5 Patrons. Robbie's younger child, K, liked the story of David and Goliath and wondered: What might it be like if it were a Dungeons and Dragons campaign? Well, with the help of the rest of the family, K offers an answer in this episode. Starring: K as the Dungeon Master (also plays Non-Player Characters like Samuel and Goliath) Robbie as Saul A as David Lu...
35 - The Story of Satan
August 27, 2020 12:00 - 30 minutes - 20.9 MBThis week we’re talking about Satan, the Devil, the enemy of God. But telling his story isn’t straightforward, because he doesn’t really have a story of his own -- he just shows up in various other stories in the Bible. In the first section of the episode, we go on a quick tour through most of those stories and talk about how white evangelical Christianity views the devil. Then, in the second section, we use some of the elements from the traditional narrative to tell a new origin story of Lu...
34 - The Story of Exodus, Part Three
August 13, 2020 12:00 - 25 minutes - 17.3 MBThe Israelites have finally made it out of Egypt and crossed the Red Sea! Now they journey to Mount Sinai, the “mountain of God,” where God had appeared to Moses in the burning bush. But God and the people have a lot of problems and challenges ahead. What happens when enemies attack? How will the people get food and water in the desert? Can a holy god talk to his people without killing them? What happens when the new leader, Moses, disappears on the mountain for over a month? Find out in thi...
33 - The Story of Exodus, Part Two
July 26, 2020 23:00 - 28 minutes - 19.6 MBThe Exodus story continues! "Let my people go," God says to Pharaoh through Moses and Aaron. But Pharaoh refuses, again and again, to free the Hebrews. And so begin the ten plagues, as the God of Israel takes on the gods of Egypt, culminating in the night of Passover. But as the Hebrews finally pack up and leave in a hurry, will Pharaoh just sit and watch them go? (Spoiler: Nope!) We'll be back in two weeks for part three of the story, as the Hebrews journey into the wilderness, making thei...
32 - The Story of Exodus, Part One
July 16, 2020 12:00 - 28 minutes - 19.8 MBThis week we begin covering one of the most important stories in the Bible, the Exodus of the Hebrews from Egypt! It happens several hundred years after the story of Joseph, which we covered in episodes 19 and 20. This week we cover the early life of Moses (that is, his first 80 years or so) and follow his adventures from Egypt to Midian and back, as God appoints him the unlikely leader of the great Exodus. I also take a few minutes at the end of the episode to discuss how important this sto...
31 - Peter Does His Own Miracles
July 02, 2020 12:00 - 23 minutes - 16.4 MBThe podcast returns from hiatus! I'm glad to be back! Picking up from our last episode, we follow Peter and the other disciples, er, apostles, as they preach about Jesus, perform miracles, and clash with the religious leaders. I also talk a bit about the ethical problems with mission work and with treating people with disabilities as props to advance your message. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcas...
30 - Early Christianity
May 14, 2020 12:00 - 15 minutes - 10.6 MBThe adventures of Peter continue as Robbie tells some last bits of the Gospels and the beginning of the book of Acts. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Support the show
29 - Girl Power in Judges: Deborah and Jael
May 07, 2020 12:00 - 14 minutes - 9.85 MBThe story of Deborah - the judge of Israel - and Jael, who defeated the bad guy. This was probably THE quintessential Girl Power Bible Story of my childhood. Come for the girl power, stay for the explanation of ancient chariots in warfare and mockery of the Canaanite commander for failing at basic war strategy. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Support the show
28 - Jonah and the Giant Fish (or Possibly Whale)
April 30, 2020 12:00 - 15 minutes - 10.5 MBThe famous tale in which a reluctant prophet is swallowed by a giant fish (or whale, depending on how didactic your Sunday School teacher was). Jonah flees God’s presence because he’s afraid he’ll be a successful prophet. Support the show
27 - Mary Magdalene and the Resurrection of Jesus
April 12, 2020 12:00 - 25 minutes - 17.7 MBEarly Sunday morning, Mary Magdalene gathers spices and goes to Jesus’ tomb to anoint his body with them. But when she gets there, she meets someone she did not expect. The final episode in a 7 episode series about Jesus & the Easter Story. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Support the show
26 - The Death of Jesus
April 10, 2020 12:00 - 27 minutes - 18.7 MBThe Sanhedrin votes that Jesus is guilty of blasphemy and sends him to the Roman governor, Pontius Pilate, to have him crucified. Although Pilate wants nothing to do with Jesus, in the end the religious leaders get their way, and Jesus carries his cross toward the Place of the Skull. The sixth episode in a 7 episode series about Jesus & the Easter Story. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Support the show
25 - Jesus' First Trial and Peter's Denials
April 09, 2020 12:00 - 12 minutes - 8.9 MBAfter Jesus’ arrest, he is taken to the house of the high priest, Caiaphas, to stand trial before the Sanhedrin. Peter tries to follow, but when someone recognizes him as a follower of Jesus, how will he respond? The fifth episode in a 7 episode series about Jesus & the Easter Story. Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Support the show
24 - Jesus is Arrested
April 02, 2020 12:00 - 19 minutes - 13.4 MBJesus has "the last supper". Jesus celebrates the Passover surrounded by his closest friends, but he is afraid of being alone. He knows one of his closest friends will betray him & the rest of the disciples will scatter. This is the fourth episode in a 7 episode series about Jesus & the Easter Story. There will be 3 episodes next week to finish the series - on Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. Support the show
23 - Jesus Enters Jerusalem
March 26, 2020 12:00 - 21 minutes - 14.6 MBJesus is at the height of his popularity. He enters Jerusalem in a triumphant parade, purges the temple (again?), heals many people, and outsmarts the religious leaders. Jerusalem is packed with Passover visitors & Jesus is who everyone's talking about. The 3rd of 7 episodes about Jesus and the Easter story. Support the show
Ep 22 - Jesus Sets His Face Toward Jerusalem
March 19, 2020 12:00 - 21 minutes - 14.5 MBThe story of Jesus continues as he tries to prepare friends, enemies, and frenemies for his climactic rise and fall. The second in a series about Jesus & the Easter Story. Support the show
21 - Jesus Feeds the 5,000 (etc.)
March 12, 2020 12:00 - 22 minutes - 15.3 MBThis episode tells the story of the sad demise of John the Baptist and the story of Jesus feeding & healing people by magic. Also Jesus walks on water, which is fun. Also Jesus began to irritate and worry the country's leaders, which is either more or less fun depending on how well you like political drama and stuff. It's the first of 5 episodes in a series about the Easter narrative. Support the show
20 - Joseph pt 2 - Revealer of Secrets
March 05, 2020 13:00 - 28 minutes - 19.6 MBThe second of a two part story, in which, Joseph, having grown up and become successful, devises some secret tests for his brothers, who betrayed him years ago. Also in which 11 brothers deal with a really weird Egyptian ruler who is totally obsessed with them and seems to know more than he should. Support the show
19 - Joseph pt 1 - The Dreamer
February 27, 2020 13:00 - 26 minutes - 18.3 MBThe drama of the descendants of Abraham continues in this week's story, the first in a two part series about Joseph, as he goes from favorite son to betrayed slave to the second most important person in Egypt. Support the show
18 - Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, oh my!
February 13, 2020 13:00 - 35 minutes - 24.3 MBA selection of stories about Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Mostly these are stories about Jacob. They're stories of love, hate, jealousy, deception, treachery, hope, faith, and family. There's a lot of family almost killing each other; perhaps that's why my family growing up focused on these stories so much. Just so relatable. Support the show
17 - Elijah and Elisha
February 06, 2020 13:00 - 26 minutes - 18 MBOn God’s command, the prophet Elijah recruits his replacement -- the very similarly-named Elisha. Elijah is dramatically taken directly into heaven, and Elisha carries on his work. Meanwhile, King Ahab and his two sons who reign as king after him are generally weak and whiny, and nobody likes them, including God. Support the show
16 - Elijah Calls Down Fire From Heaven
January 30, 2020 13:00 - 18 minutes - 12.4 MBGod continues his one-sided competition with Baal and Asherah for the hearts of the people in Israel, sending Elijah, the powerful new prophet, to foretell drought and famine, culminating in an epic showdown (to which only one god shows up). Support the show
#15 - Noah's Ark
January 16, 2020 13:00 - 20 minutes - 14.1 MBThe beloved children’s tale of the time God decided to put his favorite person and family in a boat with a pair of every animal to repopulate the entire world and then flooded everything so every living thing on dry land died. Now with a bit of incredulity towards the Answers in Genesis people and other Creationist scientists. All the story, none of the belief! Support the show
14 - Gideon and The Tiny Army
January 02, 2020 13:00 - 20 minutes - 14.1 MBGideon is not the mighty warrior you might expect, but he was the mighty warrior they needed. Apparently. The story of Gideon features: a mighty hero who hides from his enemies and needs his dad to bail him out, a set of miracles involving a sheep’s wool and the morning dew, a test where soldiers have to leave the army if they don’t drink water a weird way, and a dream about a tent being destroyed by a loaf of bread. Also featuring a legitimately brilliant surprise attack. Here are the link...
13 - The Christmas Story
December 19, 2019 13:00 - 24 minutes - 16.9 MBThis episode pulls from two gospels to tell the story of the birth of Jesus. In John’s Gospel, Jesus had to out-miracle even the greatest prophets, and the gospel writer Luke was not to be outdone. Jesus’s birth could be nothing less than the most impressive and surprising of all the miracle babies in the canon. Join us this week for the most miraculous baby covered in this miracle-baby mini-series. Also included, a few thoughts about the winter solstice and how my family celebrates it an...
Bonus: Thoughts on Meaning
December 15, 2019 00:00 - 28 minutes - 19.9 MBThis is a bonus episode in which I think aloud about stories, humanity, the meaning of life, what parents get out of the Santa myth, Christmas and the solstice. For more about the Solstice, come back Thursday (or visit Patreon on Tuesday if you're a patron), because I talk about that a little in the upcoming episode, "The Christmas Story" I also read a favorite passage from Terry Pratchett's Hogfather about humans and fantasy in this episode. Support the show
Bonus: Thoughts on Meaning
December 15, 2019 00:00 - 28 minutes - 19.9 MBThis is a bonus episode in which I think aloud about stories, humanity, the meaning of life, what parents get out of the Santa myth, Christmas and the solstice. For more about the Solstice, come back Thursday (or visit Patreon on Tuesday if you're a patron), because I talk about that a little in the upcoming episode, "The Christmas Story" I also read a favorite passage from Terry Pratchett's Hogfather about humans and fantasy in this episode. Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/bsfhc)
12 - The Birth of John the Baptist
December 12, 2019 08:00 - 13 minutes - 9 MBThree of 4 gospels start with not Jesus, but John the Baptist, a historical figure with a significant following and large reputation in his era - he shows up in the Jesus legends to lend credibility to them. Luke's gospel begins with the myth of John's birth, told simultaneously with the story of Jesus' birth - two babies whose births were promised to change the world. Support the show
11 - Sarai and Hagar
December 05, 2019 13:00 - 16 minutes - 11.3 MBA classic tale of family drama - this is one part of the Abraham story from Genesis, told with a focus on the slave Hagar and her son, as Abraham and Sarah attempted to make gods promises come true. This story also covers the birth of Isaac, the baby promised to Abraham. It's not really Hagar's story at first, but she makes her mark anyways. support me on Patreon talk to me on Twitter like the page on Facebook Support the show
10 - Maccabees
November 28, 2019 13:00 - 25 minutes - 17.2 MBFor Thanksgiving, I'm telling the story of the Maccabees fighting colonization and oppression with a small but dedicated group of fighters. This is not from the Protestant canon; it's a story I learned (a part of) in Sunday school, but with the fighty parts added back in! Happy Thanksgiving, remember to fight white supremacy and resist religious hegemony! Note: While some of this story is from history, definitely think of my version as historical fiction. I'm worried that I wasn't clear ab...
9 - Jesus Turns Water into Wine and other Stories from John
November 21, 2019 13:00 - 29 minutes - 20.6 MBMy 2 kids join me with questions, laughter, and incredulity as I tell the story of the early days of Jesus’ ministry described in the Gospel of John; turning water into wine, turning over tables in the temple, talking to Nicodemus and the Samaritan woman, and healing someone’s sick son. Jesus says a lot of intentionally confusing stuff and my kids started to find it hilarious. John the writer is interesting because unlike the other gospel writers, his Jesus is actually very big on self p...
Bonus Ep 2 - Excerpt
November 12, 2019 13:00 - 12 minutes - 8.85 MBAn excerpt from the November bonus episode, available in full to Patrons on Patreon in the $5 a month tier. This episode is a discussion between me and my spouse about the English language and Bible translations. We discuss how KJV only-ism parallels early efforts to keep the Bible from being translated into English, the tower of Babel, and how learning the history of the English language was one of the pieces in our deconstruction of conservative Christianity. This excerpt includes a story...
8 - Adam and Eve: two ways
November 07, 2019 13:00 - 18 minutes - 12.9 MBA recipe for the foundation of humanity, two ways. Today I present to you the fundamentalist Adam and Eve story, and then the story retold with some twists in perspective that I like to think about sometimes. There's more spin & editorializing than I typically use; this was a sort of experimental story for me. Support the show
7 - Halloween Special
October 31, 2019 12:00 - 12 minutes - 8.71 MBThis episode has the story of Saul and the witch, and the story of Jesus and Lazarus. This Halloween special has some fun Bible weirdness, don't miss it! Support the show
6.5 - What is the Bible?
October 24, 2019 12:00 - 18 minutes - 12.7 MBThis special episode is an educational episode about what the Bible actually is, with the basics of how it came to exist and where it came from, told in Robbie's usual expressive and enthusiastic way, and geared towards kids who haven't learned about any Bible history before. If you don't know how the Bible is organized or any of its history, this episode is a good starting point for understanding the origins of the all time bestselling book in the world. Support the show
6 - Elisha's Magic Skeleton
October 24, 2019 07:00 - 5 minutes - 3.88 MBThis is a shorter than usual episode telling some bits of the prophet Elisha's story, specially chosen for the week before Halloween. Support the show
5 - David in Exile
October 17, 2019 12:00 - 20 minutes - 13.9 MBContent Note: a character who is about to die ends his life himself in this episode. This is the 4th and final episode about David (for now). He's been told he'll be king, but for now, he's on the run from King Saul. It will take all his cunning to survive among the Philistines. another note: there's some stuff in here that I consider problematic regarding how mental illness is discussed and the kinda gross (but still common today) disability inspiration story with Mephibosheth. I wasn't s...