207: Lose the Mom Guilt, Try This Flip (Best of Fertile Imagination Book Launch Party)

Welcome to Episode 207. In today's conversation, I actually had the wonderful opportunity to speak with Lana Ashby Rowder, the founder of LookingGlass Lifestyle, which is about styling yourself and leveraging technology in order to make this wonderful, wonderful gift of aesthetics, a possibility for every single person. I wanted to just share something before we jump in. Lana and I met at a library. It was me talking to strangers which brought us together. She helped me pick out the style that made sense for my book cover of Fertile Imagination. Cool, right? This conversation was on book launch day, and I'm sharing that with you because there was so much excitement in terms of the possibilities of this book. Also, the book managed to get to position one in the motherhood category and also number one in women in business as an Amazon bestseller. 

If you love parties then please do say hi on Instagram which was where this party took place: https://www.instagram.com/melissallarena/

Shop/gift/review - Fertile Imagination: https://amzn.to/3F6AgMu

TRANSCRIPT

And so the conversation with Lana is very fitting as she is a woman in business and she's gone through her own career transitions, having been a nurse. before and now a business owner. So this is what I want to share with you. I want to share with you a review on Amazon for Fertile Imagination, my debut book.

So the book is all about rediscovering yourself and really leveraging the power of your imagination for yourself as a mom. Oftentimes we imagine the best in everyone else. I mean, we're talking about like, we imagine the best in terms of some of our kids’ teachers, in terms of our partners, in terms of are OBGYNs. And I want you to take that superpower, that amazing, unmagnificent vision you have for others, and turn it on yourself so that you can dream really, really big. So here is an Amazon review. It comes from someone named Andrew. So I just want to say that it's amazing how Andrew really gets moms.

Because I resonated with his review on Amazon. He says, fertile imagination is a must-read for anyone feeling stuck in the merry-go-round of life. Ain't that the truth? I had to just interject. Using personal stories, interview excerpts, and creative exercises, Melissa inspires you to tap into your inner creativity and go after what you've always dreamed of.

Even if you aren't a mom, this book will help get you unstuck when it comes to reaching your potential. I have found myself frozen sometimes when I think about what I want to accomplish and what I have yet to do. And I want to really be sure that you and I both have some sort of way to overcome those hurdles.

And oftentimes you write the book that you need most. And that's why I wrote Fertile Imagination. So Andrew had an opportunity to write a review on Amazon, two to three sentences, sharing his opinion about Fertile Imagination, my book. And these reviews are so important, which is why I wanted to read it to you first because it give you a sense of whether the book is right for you or for a friend.

But second, if Amazon sees that a book has a hundred Amazon reviews, It will then help market the book to new readers. And here's the deal. How amazing would that be for a mom who is purchasing holiday gifts for her family on Amazon to then get a little nudge from Amazon to see that, wow, there's this book called Fertile Imagination that could actually help me accomplish what I want to accomplish in the new year of 2024.

They would have never seen it if Amazon didn't see that you wrote an Amazon review and about 3 million moms a day log into Amazon. Those are the statistics and that's a little bit of back-of-the-envelope math for you. So every single day that we are not at 100 reviews. Is a day that 3 million moms would not have seen that fertile imagination as a possibility for them too.

So I really could use your help. I want to be sure that we get through that 100 Amazon reviews. So, off to the conversation with Lana. It is sensational. I absolutely love how thoughtful she was. And I also want to just give her a huge shout-out because she is looking for VCs. So if you think that Lookingglass lifestyle is an interesting opportunity for you, be sure to reach out to me via Instagram at Melissa Llarena.

And now for the conversation with Lana, where we talk about speaking to your inner child. And she's a mom that has a little girl. And I wanted to just say that because I have all boys and I appreciate hearing from moms who have very different life experiences. So stay tuned for that as well.  Yeah, I want to talk about your book.

So I didn't realize until today that you had been doing coaching for moms for like 12 years and that's is that what kind of got you to the point where you're like, I want to write a book on some of these stories or share some of these insights that I've learned is that what really propelled this?

Yeah, 12 years of having a conversation that usually is held tightly guarded, like these secret conversations, right? Like I'm at work and I don't feel supported or I'm at work and I'm in this job and I don't know if I'm going to get to the C suite. There are all these emotions behind the scenes, especially with working moms in particular.

So we have these inner conflicts that we're trying to untangle. And I even talk about that, like in the book, like it's like these knots in the back of our heads that are like impossible to unknot. And for me, I just felt like, okay, I'm having conversations with both working moms and also working dads.

And that's not even a phrase, which is pretty interesting as I think about it. And they sound different. They really sound different. And I thought to myself, what if I shared a little bit of what I'm hearing from like, The guys and what I'm hearing from people that are not moms, and I empower moms to like have this like psychological flexibility with which they can create their own life experience like at home, at the office, anywhere you want to be.

That's amazing. I know so many women are going to benefit from this book, moms especially. I had a similar experience. What you're talking about is when I was starting my company Looking Glass, it was like this gnawing in the back of my head that was like, there's more. There's more. Like, just try this thing.

You have this idea. And like, I could not shake it no matter what I did, what I tried. And I sat on my idea for a while, but it, yeah, I think just everything you have in the book, encouraging moms to kind of, to find their purpose and stretch their imagination. That was the point that I really liked was the imagination.

Like, Tapping into that what if that lets you play to your reference about Halloween this morning? Like what would you want to be when you grow up? Even if you're 40, what do you want to be?  Play like it's Halloween like you get to imagine how this can look for you. So I really love all your insights on that. Yeah, I think when you grow up and I say this as a mom who's been around the mom lights for 12 years now both in the U.S. and living abroad in Australia, what I have noticed is that there's this like, almost like kind of like, I give up. I shouldn't play. I'm too old for that. There's so much going on. I don't have time to like, introduce laughter in my life. It's all about like, do, do, do, the checklist, figuring out how much can get done in a day.

And what happens is something that's really, really, Horrible for entrepreneurs, right? So as an entrepreneur, what I hear all the time is to enjoy the process. Well, how the heck am I supposed to enjoy the process? If I keep on adding even more pressure behind what needs to happen in the day. So one way to add a little bit of levity and to actually enjoy the process of motherhood of entrepreneurship, of being a partner in any other capacity.

Is by finding a way to almost add a breath of fresh air to the moment. And so this is something that helps people not just with their children, like today, Halloween, like we are more playful today because our kids are dressed up and we're all having that fun with them. But like, let's say you're in like a very stressed situation, right?

And right now you have a company and there are all these competitors coming into the marketplace. The best way for you to tackle any challenge, any creative challenge is to actually step away and like really daydream like Sarah Blakely, whom I'm wearing, by the way, because of your style, by the way, I have literally legit Sarah Blakely Spanx jeans on right now.

She actually, yeah. Her best ideas came when she was daydreaming. Her best ideas happen when she's like playing with her four kids. This is something that is proven from a business perspective. Like I have Beth Comstock who was the former CMO of GE in my book. I interviewed her and she herself had gone to a Korean pop concert for divine inspiration for something that can add value to a manufacturing company like GE like playing can be profitable as much as it's fun and something you do with your kids.

And I think that there's a lot that we need as moms. We need so many tools like our bags have everything, lipstick, mascara, but we need other tools that we can be like, all right, let me pull this out for when I don't know what to do. And your imagination is that versatile. Yeah. I like to look at kids in another way.

Like I love the idea of mirroring them and thinking like, how do they play? Let's, we should also be playing like that. But one, one thing I love and  Breeja Larson talks about it in your book. Is that like, how would you speak to your inner child? And I've done this where when I wanted to launch my business or I thought I shouldn't go to that work event because my kids, my kids, my kids, I've flipped it in my head like, what would I tell my daughter? If my daughter wants to be a working mom and she wants to launch her business, would I tell my daughter, no, stay home and make spaghetti? Or would I tell her, you know what? Go out. Do that interview do that networking thing that you've been planning and just reach for the star So I've tried to shift it in my head. What advice would I give my daughter? When I'm thinking about my own decisions as a working mom. 

Yeah Yeah, and and here's the thing. Let's just imagine your daughter did choose to make spaghetti we're in a situation right now where we have cellphones. So technically she could put her cell phone on a tripod, show up to that event, and show herself making spaghetti for her kids and still make a profit in whatever it is she chooses to do.

Some straight-up people make spaghetti, record themselves, and make money doing so on Instagram. Right. So, we're in a world where you could actually have a situation where it's like, yes. And yes, I can show up to whatever, like a soccer game or whatever I could be present and focused. And then when the game is over on my way to the car, I could get back online, whatever needs to happen, and make those choices along the way. So I think, yeah, Breeja Larson is so kicked tush. I'm a mom, right? We can't use potty language, but she's so kicked tush. She's an Olympian swimmer for anyone who doesn't know her.

And she was the one that said, basically, what about that little girl inside of you? Like, what is it going to take for you to when you're not motivated, jump into a cold pool and practice anyway? And for Breeja, it was conjuring that inner little girl. And as a mom today, it's Halloween. I want you to go back to when you were like eight years old.

Like who did you dress as? Who did you want to be? What did you think you would look like or be like at this age right now? And, and how can you not let her down? And I think your imagination can help you figure out the how. Yeah, absolutely. The other thing I love about Rhea Larson is reading a book and knowing a little bit about her.

She is an Olympic gold medalist in swimming with a breaststroke, and I have a daughter who does breaststroke and swims. But what I love about her is that she didn't start year-round swimming until she was much older. And so I love that too, like the mirror there for the moms, like, If you didn't start when you were 18 or in college or you took some time off or you decided to be a stay-at-home mom, it's not too late to now turn and pursue your dreams and train for something and learn a new skill and reach for the stars.

So I really love, I love that part of her story. Yeah, and I think Breeja talks about it from a perspective of still being a child, technically, when she started her craft. But then there's also Theo, Theo Travers, who's in my book as well. He was the executive producer of the show Billions. He was in his 30s.

And that's when he decided to go across the road, the road, go across the United States to Hollywood and like pursue writing, which at the time felt like something you would do super early in your career, not after being a TV journalist with a lot of success. Right. So I think this whole thing of, well, I should have done that when I was  18 or 20, that stops a lot of dreams from even having a chance.

And so if you're. 30, 40, 50, 60, like straight up, you're the age you are period. Now we move forward. What can be done? What can you do? And maybe you can create your own category and whatever it is you want to pursue. Like there's sky's the limit with your imagination, right? Yeah. So why do you think that is?

Why do you think moms in particular, come out of college, we're in college, we can do anything, and we can be anything we want to be. And then we stop, maybe we stay home for a while, we have kids, we kind of pursue more of a domestic role.  And then maybe we have these dreams. Why do you think moms kind of fall into that where they feel like they can't pursue those dreams anymore?

What is it about motherhood or about being in this kind of middle life in the 30s, or 40s that kind of stops dreams from being pursued?  Yeah, it's, it's so funny because in the book, really what I share is this idea of holding yourself up to a higher standard than other people might hold you up to. And I think as a collective, as moms, there are certain excuses, and I'm just going to say the word excuses, that we've agreed are valid.

And are the reasons why it's okay for us not to go after what we want. So one of the excuses might be something like I don't have the time, right? However, it's kind of funny how we might make the time to binge-watch something on Netflix But we don't have the time to go to the gym exercise blah blah blah.

So it's like collectively accepting it. Just like when you're a mom, the notion I've heard is if you're a mom, then you no longer come first. Like it's no longer about you. You could take that really literally, right? And so it becomes any moment that you have to decide between your priorities and your child's, you're always going to choose yourself.

Even if the consequence for your kid is not really a big deal. And I'm not talking about the serious stuff. Like you got to go to the hospital.  be on some sort of TV show. I'm talking about things like, Oh no, my kid is not going to show up with like a homemade Halloween costume today. Right. Versus man, I really want to do an Instagram live with Lana right now.

So like right now, my, I know my kids are not having GMO-free snacks this second. Like they're literally at a. a theme park here in Austin that has sugar up the wazoo. Am I going to pay for it? Yes, I am. But that's what I chose for today. Right, right. Yeah, it's all a balance, right? I mean, I think to kind of play off what you're saying about the moms and the making excuses and why it's acceptable to not follow your dreams.

One thing I noticed with my clients is being overwhelmed. And so they make excuses like, I don't really care what I look like, or I don't care. I'm 20 pounds heavier,, but I'm too busy to do anything about it. Or I don't care about clothes. So I don't care how I look in photos. But to me, as I've gotten to know a lot of my clients on a more personal level, and even taking this to my years as a nurse,  to me, that's just kind of a mask for overwhelm.

They have this dream inside whether it's to have a new career or launch their own business or pursue. Painting, whatever it is, but the ideas of like, now that they're trying to figure out how to do it and learning it and starting something, it's just, they're so overwhelmed by all the other balls that they have in the air that they just kind of maybe say, I don't care about that.

Or I used to want to do this, but like, I can't do it now because, to me, it's just an underlying feeling of they're just overwhelmed and they don't know how to act on it.  I think one of the early readers of my book was saying that really sometimes we're also intimidated by our own dreams. And so if that mom that you are saying feels overwhelmed, maybe she's overwhelmed because she assumes that pursuing this business idea, for example, like she's going to have only like her current level, like information, her current level relationships, current level skills.

But in the book, what I share is that you tend to grow with your dreams. So like last year, if someone told me, Melissa, you would have to figure out how to get like the interior of your book ready and set and into like amazon.com. For example, I would have been like, oh my god I don't have my book yet, right? I would have been so scared and I didn't have certain Facebook groups that I would ask these questions to But as I've grown along with my dream as I'm executing on my dream I've been able to increase my capacity, and also figure out where I have gaps and I don't know anything.

So I've been able to figure out like, who can I ask that has already accomplished what I wish to accomplish. So like that mom, to your point, like, let's say you're overwhelmed, right? You want to have, for example, beautiful holiday photos, right? And you see all these holiday photos every year that come to your house.

And you like, I'm making this up, tape them to your wall. Some of us do that, right? Or you like to hold them as this beautiful, like the reflection of a perfect life. Why is it that my kids have their fingers in their nose and their picture or Tommy has a Mohawk and I'm not into that, right?

Like if you feel, if you see that disconnect in the moment. All you have to do is just say to yourself, okay, wait a minute, let me just start with the one picture I really liked. Let me call that one mom and let me just ask her, like, did you have a stylist? Did you hire a photographer? Like did you tell your kids that you would take them to Disney World if they stood still?

You know what I mean? Like you just ask one person. That you admire, like the result of their efforts, just like what, what did they do? And if we're more open about our dreams, even if they intimidate us or overwhelm us or our ambitions, even if they embarrass us too, that's the other thing where we, we feel that's one step forward to actually reducing overwhelm.

Yeah.  So do you feel like moms, it's hard for them to be vulnerable at this point when they're talking about their own dreams and their own things for the sake of looking silly or embarrassed around other moms in the community? Or why is it that we stopped sharing the things that we're passionate about that aren't related to our family and our kids? 

Yeah. So here's the thing. We all want to evolutionarily be part of a group, right? And so if a group with which you hang out with our moms who look put together, who show up at Halloween with like all the bells and whistles of Halloween stuff and, and you all of a sudden want to do your own thing. thing and be a little different, you're going to then feel like the group is no longer going to accept me.

Like my mom, friends are going to think that I am, and I'm making this up, but like me with a book, for example, right? Like right now I have a book and a lot of the people that I've engaged with, they don't have a book, but they have a book inside of them, right? They have a book in their heart. And so sometimes even for me, like I might feel like okay let me not mention today's book launch day because like what if that makes them feel bad or makes them feel any sort of feelings that are not positive also what if now they don't look at me in the same way? What if now when they say I have a book in me, they feel embarrassed because I have a book outside of me?

So it's really group dynamics. And it's about just like this need to feel like we're in a group of people who accept us. And if we start doing things differently than the people with whom we hang out with, we will, and this is the truth, we will notice a couple of differences. And it's all a matter of like, who do you want to be? Who do you want to be? And I think that's a question we don't take time to ask ourselves. 

Yes,  absolutely. So what can we do as fellow moms when we're in these groups to maybe help women express their dreams? Or what questions can we ask? How should we be reacting when they do open up and share? 

Yeah, so I would say the best thing that you can do is ask the mom a follow-up question, right?
So I love asking questions, which is why in the book I have like five questions for every single chapter that a mom can reflect upon and I have questions you could answer like Five minutes by yourself for like five hours. It depends on you. And I would say, ask a mom. Okay. Wow. That's interesting. What made you want to pursue that?

Like, that's a super simple question. That's interesting. What made you want to pursue that? Or another question could be, that's really cool. Tell me more. Super basic. You're just asking them to express themselves. And the beauty is having been a coach for 12 years in the capacity where I'm helping people land these like six figure corporate jobs, et cetera, is that I'm using the same skills, but for moms who are entrepreneurs and who just needs to flesh out their ambitions.

And as it relates. to our Children. And I actually have a five-day challenge on my website that moms can go to. Just go to the link in my bio. But as it relates to your kids, your kids are like amazing question-askers. That's the bomb, right? Two. They also force us to be really simple with how we express our ideas, and that's key to sales as well.

So if you have an idea in your heart and you tell someone the idea you could tell your kids that idea and ask them to Talk back to you and say what did you understand by that? But if you are someone in a mom group and someone says it's like a wacky idea quote unquote what you might want to do is just Ask wow, that's interesting.

Tell me more and leave it at that. You don't have to put judgment or improve it or anything. Just tell me more is, is really amazing. Actually, it feels good. I think  I was going to say in the role of a mom, like having somebody else be like, tell me more and getting the opportunity to talk about like what's in your heart and not having to talk about kids and other things.

And someone just genuinely showing interest in your dream and just really giving you permission and the space to like. put that out there in the universe and speak it to life and tell people like I do have this idea and You never know where that's gonna lead that may lead to them being like I know a book publisher Or I have a friend who already published a book.

Let me hook you up So you mentioned this really early on when I hopped on and I think it's been so true and valuable for me It's like just speak it out there Talk to people find people at the library like you and I met to ask them what they think about this ask them just make conversations because there are so many great people out there that want to connect and want to help fellow moms.

And I've been so fortunate to have a couple of mentors that have really connected the dots with me. But it just started with me having a little bit of courage to really be honest about what I wanted to do. Yeah.  And I think here's the thing, like,  again, it's about what, what's been heard before from mom circles before.

So like, it's common, for example, for a mom to say, I want to be a teacher, for example, right? Because like, the summer's off and all of that stuff. It's common for a mom to say, Oh, I want to participate more heavily in like the parent-teacher groups and all of that. And I know it's uncommon to say, I want to be invested or backed by a VC within like 90 days, or I want my app to hit like 20 million downloads within X period of time.

That's uncommon. And that's why for me, fertile imagination means that you have a vision that's. so big that maybe you've never seen it done by a mom before, but you've got the guts to go after it anyways. And that's the distinction. So I think it's about figuring out what's common and just letting go of that and being uncommon.

And I think that's okay. It's so amazing., I read a couple of chapters. I just bought the book this morning. when it officially went on sale. But I can't wait for all moms to read this and just the reach that you're gonna have with this book. I think it's really gonna hit a lot of hearts in the mom communities and really just tap into that kind of loneliness or maybe unsureness and just really give a lot of people the courage to look inside themselves.

And be honest about their dreams, and, I think your book is going to do a lot of great things. Thank you so much, Lana. This has been sensational. I think you have to become a journalist, girl. No, not at all, but I do have to run to parent-teacher conferences, but I have one more question for you. I want to know, as I have the book and I want to gift it to others for the holidays.

I think it's such a great book to give to mom groups or to give to the teachers as a Christmas present. But what was your favorite chapter of the book that you wrote? For me, it was the one with Diane Bell when I was comparing winning a Sundance award to tandem nursing, my identical twins. That was my favorite because to tell that story, anyone, anyone that's attempted to nurse one baby.

Yeah. Please just imagine what it's like to tandem nurse two and the award that all moms around the universe get for feeding their kids in any way that they decide is like, I mean, we need like golden whatever is out there. The Nobel Peace Prize. Let's give ourselves that. How about that?  I know. I think we don't give ourselves enough credit as moms.

It's like, if we can do all these other things, why can't we be a BC-back company? Why can't we start our own? Store or jewelry line or whatever it is Like we've done amazing things and I think something happens along the way where we sell ourselves short a little bit But you're right I think looking back and being like these are great successes and I did all these things and I can do so much more Absolutely.

Thank you so much. Lana. This has been amazing Congratulations. I'm so proud of you. I can't wait for everybody to read it. Good job. Thank you All right. We'll talk soon. Bye, Can I just say that the different women who interviewed me on book launch day are sensational. So I wanted just to leave you with this one point.

If you feel like you would advise your child to go and take a risk or skip making a spaghetti dinner or, you know, do something for themselves when they had the option to do something for their family. And it might have not been a big deal for their family if we're honest about it. If you feel like you would have provided that suggestion, then do the same thing for yourself. 

As you think about the holidays, there are so many things that you can do to make the holidays magic for your family, but why not consider doing something magical for yourself? And I want to just invite you to do that. So please help me out. Go ahead to amazon.com. Look up Fertile Imagination. I will put this in the show notes as well.

And then if you're on your cell phone, you could just scroll down to write a review and write a review for Fertile Imagination. If you have yet to shop the book Fertile Imagination, then I wanna invite you to shop the book, shop the book, because it is a testament to both being a wonderful parent and also.

Being totally excited by what you want to bring to the world, right? Having nothing to do with your family, but everything to do with your heart's desire. And I want us to really see more wonderful things out in the world. I think we can all use wonder right now. So I invite you to shop the book for yourself or shop the book for a mom who you believe in.

You're literally telling her I believe in you by buying Fertile Imagination. So just head on over to Amazon.com shop the book and leave a review. We want to reach those 3 million a day moms shopping on Amazon so that they can see that fertile imagination is an option for them. Thank you so much and happy December.