The Sound of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend

I've come to talk with you again

Because a vision softly creeping

Left its seeds while I was sleeping

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence

 That first chorus of that song has haunted me over the last few days.  I’m not sure why or what is causing it to play on repeat.  Every dream in the last week has had that song playing over and over in my head/dream.  I was told that the story behind the song is a blind man, who was Garfunkel’s best friend in college and had a sudden on-set of blindness.  However, Paul Simon actually wrote the song.  I’m still trying to figure out why it has been playing over and over in my head.  Maybe it is because I’m stressed and having anxiety over the whole job search thing.  I was approved for my unemployment and that is some stress relief, but that is not going to carry us through the month of September. I read something this week that said maybe I’m looking to hard or have too much I’m trying to do at once in order to see what might be waiting.  I can identify with Darkness.  There have been times in my younger years where when I dreamed there was only darkness and a voice would talk to me, but I could never see the face of the man talking.  I was never afraid of the man speaking and he was not evil or dangerous.  I always believed he was trying to teach me something or show me something that I needed.  Going to therapy is not something new to me.  I’ve been several times and it was needed for different things.  It’s funny how every time you go to see a therapist they always ask the same questions. “Do you ever think about hurting yourself or killing yourself?”  My answer is always the same.  “No I could never kill myself because it would hurt too much.”  Pain is physical, mental and emotional and usually at the same time.  When I was doing research on my OCD and the symptoms, one of the things I read was that picking at injuries and keeping them open is a side effect.  It is almost automatic for me.  I’ve been so stressed and going through menopause again or continuing, and so I have a lot of open places on my back.  I wake up to blood on my gowns or on the sheets or the mattress.  The pain makes me feel.  I know that sounds stupid, but it does.  I’m trying to control it which totally defeats the term OCD.  In the last few days, a lot have healed enough that I can’t open them back up, which is good.  I’ve also bought some scar cream to help me get rid of the scars and hopefully it works.  I’m not sure that is part of the darkness in my life or not.  I’ve been laid off once this year and fired once this year.  I was so stressed out working for the company I was fired from that I had to start taking something for depression and anxiety.  Sleeping pills help me to stop my brain for working overtime or at least slow it down.  I am not a cutter and never have been, but the research I did on the OCD showed me a lot.  I guess the darkness could be considered my depression I’m suffering.  The other thing that is causing stress and is no one’s fault is the health of my husband.  We have doctor’s appointments on 17th to see what if anything can be done to help him walk again, Also to see if we can get some help for him or for me so that I don’t have to worry so much about him.  If he can’t get better he will wind up in a wheelchair.  Wow! This post has turned into something that I wasn’t really planning. 

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Thanks,
Laura