My Worst Enemy

All my life I’ve heard the phrase “I’m my own worst enemy.”  I never truly understood that as a teenager or a young adult, but today I can tell you that is true for a lot of people and I am one of them.   For most of my life I have fought an ongoing battle with myself because of my weight.  Just as I started to feel like I was in control, I had a wreck and now six months later, I’m still having issues that keep me from exercising and I’ve gained back 9 pounds.  I can’t run/walk/jog the 2.5 or 2.75 miles that I was doing in the first part of November.  I’m stress eating and like I said I’m gaining weight and my body feels awful.  I know 9 pounds doesn’t sound like a lot, but to someone who fights their weight on a daily basis that is almost the end of the world. 

Now to add to the stress of the weight, I still feel very inadequate when it come to my job.  I don’t feel like I have a true grasp of everything that has to happen to move people’s pets.  Part of the stress in this is knowing that if I miss something or forget something it could be catastrophic. Also, for the first time in over 30 years I am being written up for something that I don’t feel like was totally my fault.

Of course then we come to the podcast.  I’ve had a few supporters which is awesome and I’m so thankful for those few.  I think however to grow more I need to make some changes to the program and see if I can pull in more supporters.  Maybe, instead of changing this one, I start a new one.  This one is my therapy.  I want to increase my listener base and I’m still hoping for that sponsor that is willing to sign a contract and pays on a monthly basis for mentions in the podcast.  

Today, one of my close friends reached out and asked how I was, had I received any job offers/leads and how was work.  My reply was simply, “I’m good.  Work is work and no leads/offers and I guess I’m where I’m supposed to be for now.”  Her response, “For Now.”   She still works for the company where I was laid off. 

I know that God has more plans for me, but some days it is more than I can handle.  I don’t even like leaving the house now.  I cry a lot and for no apparent reason.  My anger flares up and is uncontrollable some times.  I can’t stop worrying about what’s going to happen when we have to move again.  Do we rent and not try to buy?  My brain never shuts down.  I feel like I have let everyone down in my family.  

I constantly try to control my appetite, make money, do the best I can at my job and be a good person.  I go to bed every night feeling like a failure.  Then to make matters worse, I don’t sleep good at all.  

I know I have shared many times about my addiction to antacids.  I was doing well!  I was down to three bottles a week from 14 a week.  No I run out before it is time to buy groceries again.  I eat them and then I hate my inability to refrain from eating them.  It is the same with food in general.

My other daily struggle is dealing with pain.  I have two autoimmune disorders one of which is fibromyalgia.  I’m fine most of the time during the day but at night when I lay down that is when the pain is the worst  My left side is where the pain  is and I don’t understand because it was the front right of the car that had all the damage.  So shouldn’t it be my right side with the pain from the wreck?  I can take pain pills and I can drink alcohol to help ease it at night, but that is not something I want to do.  

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Thanks,
Laura