2 Homos - Lesbian Podcast

652 Becoming Mommy

March 01, 2018 08:00 - 15 minutes - 21.7 MB

The metamorphasis is complete. It took five long years. You started out as a card-carrying, black jeans wearing, country dancing Lesbian...and now you have become a baby bag carrying, play date organizing, suburban mini-van driving, Mommy. Almost all your freinds are straight moms, and you enjoy going to Mom's Night Out events. At least you still own a pair of black jeans.

651 Organ Donor

May 22, 2016 08:00 - 14 minutes - 15.5 MB

Donating your organs after you die can be one of the last altruistic you perform as a human being. Since you won't be using it anyway, why not leave your penis to some person that really needs it and can get a lot of good use out of it. While we're at it, I'd like to donate my period to someone that can use that, too. I'll also throw in a lifetime supplies of menstrual supplies at no cost to the lucky recipient.

650 Aloha!

May 15, 2016 08:00 - 29 minutes - 30.1 MB

Fat pigs roasting in the sand...the sound of fat sizzling and cooking on the beach...the scent of coconut (suntan lotion) wafting through the air...Hawaiian shirts that looked good when you bought them, but that you'll never wear again... Is it a luau? Nope, its just tourists from the mainland on the beach getting sunburned in Hawaii. Aloha.

649 Sour Cream

April 27, 2016 08:00 - 15 minutes - 15.8 MB

Some foods give you a clue that they are not good to eat. Sour Cream tells you exactly what you're getting when you look at the name. How can that be good? Now, Homo Milk, on the other hand....how can that be bad?

648 Soft Spot

April 24, 2016 08:00 - 16 minutes - 15.4 MB

Not every Lesbian conforms to the usual stereotypes. Some Lesbians don't actually play softball, they don't watch football and they're not turned on by other Lesbians with sports injuries. Instead, they carry the gene for hoarding animals they find on the street. If the animal has injuries or requires extensive vet bills, all the better.

647 Pissed Off Again

April 20, 2016 08:00 - 13 minutes - 14.5 MB

Here we go again. A small, but vocal minority pushes to repeal the hard-won rights that LGBT people have recently gained in the South. If this keeps up, it's going to be a very long, very hot summer with Roxanne pissed off and angry again every single day. Please....don't let this happen.

646 Sticktoitiveness

April 17, 2016 08:00 - 18 minutes - 19.1 MB

Yes, it's true. The world really is conspiring against you to thwart all your efforts to get simple things done. Roadblocks are being intentionally put in your path to try and deter you from your mission. Now that you know that, there's only one thing to do. Take the advice of a not-so-famous three-year old and, "Try, try again, Mommy".

645 Frequent Flareups

April 13, 2016 08:00 - 13 minutes - 14.2 MB

It happens at the most inconvenient time. It's never when you expect it. It hangs around endlessly and it takes longer to leave than you planned for. There's never a good way to get rid of it and it never gets a clue. It's not actually herpes, it's just the lonely neighbor renting the guesthouse in the backyard.

644 Dirty Filthy People

April 10, 2016 08:00 - 22 minutes - 31.4 MB

In the event of a global nuclear war the only surviving life will be cockroaches and rats. Of course, there's no need to wait until Armageddon strikes. Rats and roaches are living in every house in America. They're sleeping right next to you, walking freely around your house, eating your food, and having more sex and making more babies than you are.

643 Heavy Rains and Mudslides

March 30, 2016 08:00 - 15 minutes - 21.7 MB

This week's forecast includes heavy rains and a high chance of flooding. Expect huge mudslides and big messes to clean up. Your best chance of success this week relies on lots of blue tarps, large trash bags, gallons of cleaning fluid and rubber gloves. It's time for potty training.

642 Super R.B.F.

March 26, 2016 08:00 - 24 minutes - 34.3 MB

It takes 10 muscles to smile and 6 muscles to frown. Either way sounds like a lot of work. Why not just go with Resting Bitch Face. That takes no muscles at all and is simply the look on some people's faces. It's not only true...there is science behind it to prove it. Upload your face.

641 Happily Ever After

March 23, 2016 08:00 - 12 minutes - 17.2 MB

Once upon a time there was a little massage parlor close the edge of town, all the way at the end of an isolated strip mall. All the boys and girls who went there there had a magical experience and walked away happily ever after. The End.

640 Contemplative

March 20, 2016 08:00 - 18 minutes - 18.6 MB

Throwing kids birthday parties should be an Olympic sport. You need some form of super talent to come up with the party of the year that every Mom will be talking about and trying to beat. This year, just rent a bunch of zoo animals and let the tigers eat any kids' mothers that can't find anything other than birthday parties to talk about when you see them. You win.

639 For Sale

March 09, 2016 08:00 - 13 minutes - 25.4 MB

The grass is always greener across the street, or at least at the porn house that sells for more money than the house you just sold. The extra sheen that glistened on the walls and the unusually crunchy carpeting apparently appeaed to a lot of people with good taste. Throw in the 70's style painting in the bathroom with a lady taking off her clothes and you've just pushed the selling price to one million.

638 Peel It Off

March 06, 2016 08:00 - 19 minutes - 27.7 MB

Mixing is up a bit and trying new things can help keep a relationship interesting. If you're going to bring latex body paint home from the store, however, make sure you do a little trim before you put it on. Nobody really wants to see your pubes sticking out of a sexy layer of body paint.

637 Pissing Match

February 17, 2016 08:00 - 15 minutes - 21.3 MB

It doesn't have to be Halloween for you to be the scary dyke in the neighborhood. All you need is your big stupid dog, a pair of jeans, some old sneakers and a sweatshirt. The straight ladies will be calling their husbands off the couch to come outside to protect them. It's that easy.

636 Vagick Wand

February 14, 2016 08:00 - 16 minutes - 23.1 MB

Haven't had any in a while and getting tired of doing it by yourself? Now all you have to do is to see the gynecologist and get a mammogram in the same week. That's enough penetration for entire month. Done.

635 Jingle Bells

December 16, 2015 08:00 - 14 minutes - 20.2 MB

Any mom can be a den mother for a troop of cub scouts. All it takes is a blue, button down shirt and a yellow bandana around your neck. It takes a special kind of mom to take her little scout camping out in the middle of nowhere, to sleep on the ground with bugs, to give up her Starbucks coffee for a weekend, and to learn how to play guitar so that she can sing along to "Jingle Bells" with her son at Christmas time.

634 Contagious

December 12, 2015 08:00 - 18 minutes - 25.1 MB

It's not that Lesbians don't like straight people, and it's not like we don't want to hang out with them. It's just hard to get it out of your head that heterosexuality might be contagious.

633 Bird Bath

December 02, 2015 08:00 - 11 minutes - 16.2 MB

Family-friendly used to mean that Homos were welcome. Now it means you can bring your 3-year old son and let him run around the restaurant to his heart's content and nobody will bat an eye. It also means that the drug addict prostitute taking a bird bath in the restroom is also welcome. After all, she's somebody's family, too.

632 Fire in the Hole

November 28, 2015 08:00 - 15 minutes - 21.2 MB

It's perfectly normal to cook while naked. There are just two rules you have to remember. Never reach down to scratch your butt, and always wear an apron. You really don't want that bush to catch fire and burn down the house. That will be a lot of explaining to do.

631 Snack Attack

November 22, 2015 08:00 - 15 minutes - 21.8 MB

The good people of Yelp are delighted to let you know that your local dog park is a feces encrusted mudhole with rancid people that will unceremoniously allow their dogs to mount your pure and innocent little princess. Sounds like a perfect place to take your dog for a fun afternoon of running around and meeting other dogs.

630 Love You More

November 18, 2015 08:00 - 12 minutes - 18.2 MB

It's the law of the land now -- Gay people can get married anywhere in the United States, and we have all the rights that go along with it. Just don't take your honeymoon in Hawaii or you might spend the rest of your vacation in jail just for kissing your wife in public.

629 What's For Dinner

November 15, 2015 08:00 - 17 minutes - 24.8 MB

It used to be that a dick pic was something you'd see on the wall of a public restroom. Someone would artfully depict a cartoon of a penis using a black magic marker. We would either be horrified or chuckle to ourselves discreetly and then share the story about it with our friends afterwards. Now we have smartphones with digital cameras so that we can simply take a picture of our genitals and send to everyone we know. Life sure has gotten easier.

628 Choose More Carefully

November 11, 2015 08:00 - 12 minutes - 17 MB

Rescue centers that adopt pets usually go through a lot of effort to ensure that the pets they adopt out are a good match for the new owners. They check the pet's temperament against the new home, they check to see if the pet is high or low energy, if they're good with kids and if they get along with other animals. One aspect they tend to miss, however, is to check a dog's IQ. Nobody expects their next pet to be an Einstein, but it would be nice to adopt a pet that can at least remember where...

627 A Haunting

November 08, 2015 08:00 - 22 minutes - 30.9 MB

We spend a lot of time inspecting a new house before buying it. People come in to look at the foundation, the plumbing, the electrical, and everything else that might go wrong. What we don't usually check is to see if some supernatural presence has already decided this is their home. Then, one day you're convinced the house is possessed when you detect an otherworldly smell so rancid that it can't possibly be human. That's when you realize the 3-year old just took an enormous, fetid crap in h...

626 Vagical Mystery Tour

November 04, 2015 08:00 - 19 minutes - 27.4 MB

The "sex" talk used to be easy when it was just the birds and the bees. Now you have to cover not only the birds and the bees, but the birds and the birds, the bees and the bees, the birds that like both birds and bees (and vice versa), the birds that were born bees, the bees that were born birds, the birds and the bees that don't like labels and the birds and the bees that are still questioning. It's going to take more than a day to cover all that.

625 Ignorance Can Be Cured

November 01, 2015 08:00 - 24 minutes - 33.4 MB

It doesn't take much to set some people off. One Facebook message is all it can take to get someone going on a rant. Listen to Roxanne deconstruct the passage of Gay Marriage back in June.

624 Feeling Creepy

October 28, 2015 08:00 - 11 minutes - 20.4 MB

Some of us enjoy holding on to the memory of our first real crushes. We can remember vividly those warm wonderful feelings and delightful fantasies. When we think about those wonderful memories, we don't think about our old crushes the way they are today. We always remember them the way they were back then...back when their breasts were still in the right place.

623 Dead or Alive

October 24, 2015 08:00 - 14 minutes - 16.8 MB

Sometimes you can go months or even years without thinking about someone, and then one day out of the blue it hits you...are they dead or alive? Sometimes maybe you're just better off not knowing. The mystery of not knowing is more exciting than the truth.

622 Park Bench

February 11, 2015 08:00 - 13 minutes - 12.7 MB

The myth of Santa Claus is designed around instilling fear in your child to make them behave. If you're not a good boy or girl, you won't get any presents for Christmas. Once your kid is too old to believe in Santa, it's time to move on to the next helpful lie. If you're having sex and you're not wearing a condom, your mom is going to know about it. That works until your kid has to tell you that you're going to be a grandmother.

621 Poultry Sheers

February 08, 2015 08:00 - 19 minutes - 17.9 MB

When it costs $500 to have your dog neutered it's no wonder the local shelters are overflowing with unwanted dogs and cats. It's also a good reason to simply go the DIY route. Get a pair of poultry sheers from the kitchen and some electrical tape from the garage. The job should be done in one good snip. A whiskey chaser for the dog and you can call it a day.

620 Tail Pattern Baldness

January 28, 2015 08:00 - 12 minutes - 11.6 MB

Here's an idea. Why not have a "dollar menu" at the vet? Instead of the vet telling you what the treatment for you sick dog or cat is going to be, you simply choose what you want to have done from the dollar menu. You can have the five thousand dollar surgery for your dog's eye, or you can buy an eye patch from the 99 cents store. Your choice.

619 Wild Animal

January 25, 2015 08:00 - 15 minutes - 14.4 MB

Who doesn't want a cuddly lovable pet to love and enjoy? Here's an idea...why not a full grown alligator? There's a pet you can let roam freely through your backyard and your house, a pet you can have curl up to you at night when you sleep, and a pet that's really good with children. Feeding it isn't really a problem either. Just let it eat all the cats and small dogs in the neighborhood.

618 Legacy

January 21, 2015 08:00 - 15 minutes - 14.2 MB

Nothing says you're a real woman like a tampon stuck in the back pocket of your jeans. Real Lesbians don't have wallets in their back pocket, they've got a heavy-duty super-flow day tampon ready for action and for all the world to see. When the tampon is out of the pocket, you can still see the outline of the tampon rubbed into the denim on the outside. Not for wimps.

617 Jiffy Luber

January 18, 2015 08:00 - 18 minutes - 17.4 MB

The one sure-fire thing that makes Lesbians get moist in their jeans is a Lesbian in a baseball hat on crutches. To make it a double orgasm, the reason she's on crutches is from a softball injury. Then there's the perfect trifecta - a Lesbian law enforcement officer on a K-9 patrol with a dog in her car. Call the Coast Guard, because we have someone in a danger of downing in rush of body fluid.

616 Dyke Beautiful

January 14, 2015 08:00 - 26 minutes - 24.9 MB

The service seemed great. You got seated faster than expected. The waitress came right to your table to take your order. Your food came up super fast and everything tasted great. The waitress must have been super busy since she was only by the table once to deliver the food. The check comes right away. It might have been some other table's check, but at least it came quickly. You just thought the service was good that night, but it turns out it was all really because you were Dyke Beautiful.

615 Snow Globe

January 11, 2015 08:00 - 19 minutes - 18.1 MB

After you've tried several different tactics to get people to stop leaving dog crap on your front lawn, it's time to move to Def Con 5. Put in a surveillance camera, record the people leaving crap on the lawn and then edit together a loop tape of the culprits. Play the recording on a big screen TV out your front window and play the tape over and over again until the assailants have to move away from the neighborhood in shame.

614 Business Plan

December 28, 2014 08:00 - 12 minutes - 11.7 MB

If you're going to open a business, it's helpful to have the name of your company clearly spell out to customers exactly what you're selling. After all these years it finally became clear that the spot between the twat and the shitter is called the Twitter. Some people are just the last to know.

613 Pornish

December 24, 2014 08:00 - 15 minutes - 14.3 MB

For the general movie-going public there's Rotten Tomatoes to help guide you through the myriad bad movies that you can waste good money on going to see. Lesbians need the same type of movie guide so that they don't waste money seeing the movie about the young Lesbian whose girlfriend starts sleeping with her mother. We'll call it Rotten Vaginas. If that doesn't keep you away...nothing will.

612 Thowsand

December 21, 2014 08:00 - 14 minutes - 13.6 MB

It's really not hard to be a criminal and get away with it. All it really takes is not being stupid. Just learn to spell the word thousand and you could get away with stealing cash all day long. Here's a hint- there is no W in the word thousand.

611 Overbooked

December 17, 2014 08:00 - 21 minutes - 20 MB

Buying a tray of store bought cookies to bring to the holiday party for $30 seemed like an act of extortion that should have brought the grocery store ten years in prison. That was until the Gay men showed up with their $800 baby stroller. At that point bringing the tiny little tray of stale cookies wrapped in cellophane and a chintzy bow made you seem like nothing but a cheap and classless Lesbian.

610 Nervous Laughter

December 14, 2014 08:00 - 17 minutes - 16 MB

When you are rude to your barista they simply get you back by giving you decaf instead of full test in your latte. Your favorite dry cleaner also has a trick when you bring in a bag of laundry that you've just informed them your dog has pissed on. Theyre happy to take that dripping, wet bag from you, but when you get it back and you put those clothes on, you'll realize the dry cleaner pissed on your clothes before they gave them back.

609 Free Delivery

December 10, 2014 08:00 - 11 minutes - 10.9 MB

If a $3.50 delivery charge is too much for you to spend to have pizza delivered, then you need to get your fat, lazy behind off the couch and go pick it up yourself. Of course, if the delivery person is a hot Lesbian rolling up to your door with a smokin' hot package just for you...then maybe $20 doesn't sound like too much. Sounds like it will be take-out for dinner every night.

608 Besties

December 07, 2014 08:00 - 22 minutes - 20.8 MB

If your dog's face swells up to the point where it looks like Mike Tyson beat him up, it's time to go to the vet right away. If you're just out walking your dog and you pass that vet's office, move over to the other side of the street immediately. Otherwise, money will start getting sucked out of your ATM card and credit cards automatically.

607 Thankful

November 30, 2014 08:00 - 15 minutes - 14.1 MB

Thanksgiving...the time of year to be thankful for family, good friends, all the wonderful things in our lives and for sharing with others. Next time you share that secret family recipe that's been handed down from generation to generation make sure that you leave out one ingredient so that you drive the next three generations insane trying to figure out how you make that special pie taste so good.

606 Delusional

November 26, 2014 08:00 - 12 minutes - 12 MB

It's happened to all of us at one time or another. We dream about something that we're convinced is absolutely real. Like the time Angelina Jolie, Mila Kunis and Shakira all showed up at your front door ready to rock your world. According to the dictionary, someone that is delusional is someone that believes things that couldn't possibly be true. Also defined as a psychological disorder.

605 Secret Weapon

November 23, 2014 08:00 - 13 minutes - 12.7 MB

There's one way to guarantee that you, your partner and your baby can all sit in the same row of the airplane. Fill a ziploc bag full of baby crap and hide it discreetly in the diaper bag. If the airline tries to move you, simply pull out the bag of crap, insert it into your baby's diapers and then proceed to change the baby right there in your seat. Call your partner over to help so that everyone knows you're together. Guaranteed to work every time...straight or Gay.

604 Under Attack

November 19, 2014 08:00 - 16 minutes - 15.2 MB

The meaning of a true partnership is when a your spouse is willing to get up in the middle of the night, walk down the street in her pajamas and look like some freak on her cell phone in the middle of the street to hack a portal for a video game you're playing. The even truer meaning of the word partnership is that she puts up with you playing that nerdy game with teenage boys across the city that are up late at night jizzing on their cellphones.

603 Photo Bomb

November 16, 2014 08:00 - 14 minutes - 14 MB

There's no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed if your children photo bomb other families on vacation taking their own family photos. They're just trying to do a public service by trying to make the other family look better. It's a public service that's free of charge.

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